Fw: OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO ENGLAND'S REVOCATION OF AMERICA'S INDEPENDENCE

[Efraim]

> OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO ENGLAND'S REVOCATION OF AMERICA'S INDEPENDENCE!
>
> To the Governing Bodies of the United Kingdom:
> Your notice came as quite a shock to the vast majority of us who did not
> realise that the United Kingdom was still in existence. The complete lack
of
> any usable culture, products, services, entertainment, or medical
> advancement coming from Britain was at fault, and we apologise. After a
> tiresome day spent tracking our enormous wealth and power, it was a
bizarre
> notice indeed.
> Your "suggestion" has been considered and I am very sorry to say, denied.
> As a concession, however, it was universally agreed that you may have
Utah.
> Our reasoning is outlined below.
>
> 1) While we have been unable to decide who will lead our country for 1
> week, it seems that the UK has been in that state for many years. It was
> unclear to us why we would need two leaders permanently in the forms of
the
> Prime Minister and the Queen. Also, we had a problem with Tony Blair
> personally, as he is so overtly gay.
> 2) A bit of research indicated that you are having difficulty keeping
> your fuel prices below $17 per ounce and your taxes below 95% (What is
this
> "VAT" anyway?), while still maintaining an expensive monarchy. This type
of fiscal
> prudence would not mix well with our aforementioned enormous wealth and
power.
> 3) Reverting to the English style of speaking would simply be too
> inefficient. In fact, we are considering teaching an entirely new language
> to our youth comprised entirely of grunts and hand gestures.
> Communication is quicker, more efficient, and allows us to continue to
lead
> the planet in accumulating power and wealth. Plus, we don't sound like
pompous asses.
> 4) We will accept your provision 7, the bombing of Quebec and France, as
> long as you promise to sweep up afterwards.
> 5) Hollywood actually attempted to cast British actors in heroic roles in
> the late 80's, but gave up when they could find none that were more
masculine then Liberace.
> 6) In reviewing your form of "football" it became clear that soccer is not
a
> sport, but rather a simple form of cardiovascular exercise.
> Additionally, when the "games" are completed, the tradition of trying to
> kill as many opposing fans as possible was deemed unacceptable. On the
rare
> occasion that one of the 300 league teams involved actually scores a goal,
> the closing of banks and government offices in order to allow more time to
> discuss the goal was also considered somewhat inefficient. American
football
> will continue to be played with vigour. The reason for the padding, by the
> way, is the ability of our athletes to run fast, jump high, and hit hard.
> You don't need padding for a girly slap fight. In closing, may we just say
we were
> flattered by your overtures, but simply do not see a merger being possible
> at this time. Perhaps with a little hard work, you can pull yourselves up
by
> your bootstraps, and someday be considered to be in the same league as,
say,
> Micronesia.
> Sincerely,
> The Management