REMOVE ME ASAP NOW OR ELSE

[Brett Dikeman]

I only wish I could take credit for writing this.  Unka Bart, eat 
your heart out.

Brett

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Re: "Get me off this list"

To: (Archived_Jokes) Subject: Re: "Get me off this list"
From: Brian.Marriott at cs.utas.edu.au (Brian Marriott)
Date: Mon, 1 Sep 1997 10:58:09 +1000

As managers of computer systems or mailing lists, you may be 
interested in the following draft message to those who can't get off 
mailing lists.

Brian

>Date: Tue, 23 Apr 1996 13:41:30 -0400
>From: Jack Gerber <jack at NETAXS.COM>
>To: Multiple recipients of list SJUOWNER <SJUOWNER at SJUVM.STJOHNS.EDU>
>Subject: Re: "Get me off this list"

I am on a lot of lists and I do get tired of seeing the constant 
complaints from people who have no idea how to unsubscribe.  I found 
this:

>  How do you get off this list? I have tried and I still
>  get mail.

This is what you need to do.  Please read these instructions 
carefully before beginning.

Tools needed: one hammer, one screwdriver, one pair of pliers, one 
heavy-duty pair of wire cutters, one bucket of saline water, a box of 
sani-wipes.

Step #1: Stop payment on any checks that you may have sent to your 
Internet Service Provider (GOD).

Step #2: If GOD is unresponsive and you are still receiving mail from 
this list, you will need to find the "mailhost".  This is a machine 
usually located in a locked office.  Every day around noon, the 
mailman will deliver a box of diskettes with that day's mail 
messages, including yours from this list, to this machine. 
Typically, only a handful of people have keys to the "mailhost".  The 
reason why this machine is locked up is because this is typically the 
best, fastest, most powerful computer at your facility and the people 
with keys don't want to share it.  If you must, break or pry the door 
down with one (1) hammer (you did get all the tools needed?).

Step #3: Find the ON/OFF switch for this machine.  Using the pliers, 
set the switch to the OFF position by tugging downwards until the 
disposable plastic switch breaks away from the computer casing. 
Discard the disposable plastic switch in an environmental-friendly 
manner.  This will alert the mailman to not deliver the diskettes 
with the messages to the "mailhost" not unlike the little red flag 
found on mailboxes.  This should resolve your mail problem 
immediately.

Step #4: You may experience a recurrence of mail within 72 hours. If 
this should happen, you will need to disable the "mailhost" once 
again with more forceful measures.  Repeat Step #2.  Don't be 
suprised if there is a sturdier door in place than the one you 
destroyed previously.  This is due to the fact that the "Have Key" 
clique found out that someone has seen their private stash of 
computer equipment.

Step #5: After you have once again regained entry into the "mailhost" 
room, open up the back of the "mailhost".  There may be a large 
tv-like device on top of the "mailhost"  You will need to remove this 
first.  Take your wire cutters, and cut any cables binding the 
tv-like device to the "mailhost".  Set the tv-like device to the 
side. With your screwdriver, remove each and every screw that you can 
find on the "mailhost".  Once this is done, the "mailhost" should 
break away into two or more pieces.

Step #5: Find a large box with a fan attached to it.  It will be 
clearly marked with the following labels: "Danger" "High Voltage" "Do 
not open - no user-servicable parts".  Don't worry, these labels are 
merely in place to satisfy OSHA requirements and you are not in any 
danger at all.  Take the bucket of saline water and pour it into any 
vents or ports that the large box may have.  Any extra water should 
be poured directly into the computer chassis, be sure to properly 
soak each and every component.

Step #6: In the event of fire (OSHA has been known to be right on 
occassion), douse any flames with the sani-wipes.

This solution is provided without warranty.  It is not bio-degradable 
or fat-free.  In the event of sudden death, contact a physician 
immediately.
-- 
----
Brett Dikeman				Systems Engineer
CFN(formerly iClick, Inc)			914-872-8043
120 Bloomingdale Rd.			914-872-8100(fax)
White Plains, NY 10605			http://www.iclick.com
PGP Fingerprint: 06C2 5D5B D2B4 7626  BB24 2BBC 9E4A C8B3
PGP Key location: http://pdikeman.ne.mediaone.net/pgp/brett.pgp