Audi 100 autobox

[Fisher, Scott]

William,

You mention you're looking at a 100 w/ auto.  About six months ago we bought
my wife a '93 100csq with, among other things, the autobox.  We've got three
kids, and were getting tired of stuffing them all into the back of the '83
CGT we'd been using as the family car ever since the kids got too big (and
too numerous) to fit in my '67 Alfa GT Junior.  Yes, I *am* sick, and you
haven't even heard about the '74 Alfa Spider that's out in the parking
lot...  Anyway, the 100csq was (still is) a lovely pearl-white car that
belonged to a friend, so we got it for a super deal considering it's got
everything you could put on one of these cars and was maintained by a car
freak with two other Audis (and even more, and even WEIRDER, cars than I
have to boot).

Now, my idea of the Perfect Car has always been the Lotus Seven; if it's
raining or dark or you have too much ground to cover for the 15-minute
comfort factor of the Lotus, then the Perfect Car is that '67 Alfa GT, which
is why I bought it.  The only thing in life that I held more disdain for
than big white four-door sedans was big white four-door sedans with
slushboxes.  I had never driven a car with an automatic that didn't make me
want to slap someone -- they shift at the wrong time, they take control out
of my hands, etc. etc. etc.  

The first time I had the opportunity to drive this car over my favorite
local sports-car road, I became a complete flipping convert to quattro and
to this car's automatic transmission.  The worst thing about this 'box is
that there's a missing gear ratio at about 30-35 mph -- that's too fast for
it to downshift to first and 2nd only kicks in at about 3000 RPM, and the
power doesn't really come on till 4000.  But here's the good part: the 100
has Audi's adaptive automatic gearbox, meaning there are apparently five
different shift programs that measure various parameters of the car's
operation (I'm quoting from memory and from the owner's manual -- somebody
on the Digest can no doubt give the accurate description of what's really
going on).  Whatever it does, I can feel it working -- it shifts a little
slowly when I start driving because it's used to my wife's driving style,
and after about three fast corners it suddenly seems to say "oh, I get it,
it's the GUY driving now" and then it starts reading my mind.

The point: this autobox gives every bit as much control as a stick; the
worst things about it are therefore whatever slip and power consumption it
takes to run the box, and that missing gear ratio about 30 mph.  But on the
open road, I find that I have every bit as much control over what gear I'm
in, and when I'm in it, with this car as I do in one of the Alfas, and it
shifts faster AND I don't have to take my hands off the wheel.  It's all in
knowing when to start pressing on the gas, and how fast, so that you're in
the right gear at the right time -- really no different from knowing when to
start your downshift as you approach a corner so you can pull out of it,
except as I say that you don't have to let go of the wheel.  Up hills, on
off-camber corners, setting the chassis for a little mild oversteer at
corner exit under power, the autobox just does exactly the right thing.  I'm
stunned, and a little chagrined.  I have never driven another automatic that
works like this one, and I don't know if it's Audi's design, modern
gearboxes in general, or quattro.  I suspect it's a mix of #1 and #3 as a
friend of mine recently let me drive her whatever the new Volvo Turbo thing
is (the one that looks like a Ford Crown Victoria, even BEFORE it was one
:-) with the turbo inline six.  Neat power, but... nope, I'll stick with the
100csq, I don't like feeling the front wheels go wibbly-wobbly when I stick
my foot in it in a straight line (much less in the twisties).  When you're
going 70 mph and stomp on the gas to pass a logging truck in the Siskiyous
on a winding stretch of mountain highway and the car drops two gears,
hunkers down on all fours, and just SHOOTS you forward... it's addictive.

I tell people I have a love-hate relationship with this car, but it's
different from the love-hate relationship I'm accustomed to having with
cars.  In most cars I love 'em when they're working and hate 'em when
they're broken.  In the 100csq, whenever I drive it, I start ranting about
how I am just going to sell ALL my other cars, flat get rid of them, and buy
myself another 100csq (or maybe an ur-S4, as all this car really needs is
another 50 bhp and one more gear ratio :-).  This makes my children start
crying ("Dad!  You can't sell the Spider, that's my favorite car!" "DAD --
you can't sell the GT, you've wanted one of those since you were younger
than I am!"), my wife rolls her eyes up in her head, and my little boy --
well, the first time I figured out how to make that car oversteer at the
corner exit on my favorite road, he tossed the morning's Very Berry Blue
Pop-tarts all over his safety seat.  Thank heaven I'm a frood who knows
where his towel is.

Anyway, I hate driving my wife's car because it makes all other cars I've
ever driven seem so lame by comparison.  Even with the autobox.

Now, I don't know what the difference will be in a 100 with no quattro --
part of what's so great about Kim's car is that even when you kick it down
two gears on a wet road in the middle of a corner and you suddenly snap to
the 5500-rpm power peak as you rocket up towards redline, IT JUST GOES
AROUND THE CORNER FASTER.  No slip, no slide, no torque steer or understeer
or wheelspin, it's just as though God sped up the movie on your windshield.
Quattro doesn't violate the laws of physics, but it sure knows how to
exploit a few loopholes in them.  And I don't know if this adaptive gearbox
was part of the quattro package or the C or the S, but I do know that it has
completely screwed with my head about big white four-door sedans with
automatics.  

I just hope nobody ever tosses me the keys to an ur-S4 and says they're
interested in owning a couple of really nice old Alfas.  I'm sure I'd regret
the decision one day...

--Scott Fisher
  Sunnyvale, CA