The drag racing thread: yammering about the good, the bad, and the stupid

[Roger M. Woodbury]

I have been on various automotive lists for quite a long time, and I've been
around motorvehicles of various types for a lot longer.  Sooner or later
someone has to bring up the meaningless concept of drag racing.  Usually the
cars that I am most interested in are found wanting.

Usually this talk is initiated by people who talk the talk but who couldn't
walk the walk with the assistance of a seeing eye dog.  I started to laugh
when I read the comment, to wit, that a forty thousand dollar car should
kick everyone's posterior, and continued to laugh when I read some comment
about "well set up" BMWs.  Stop it, please.  My sides are aching.

I never "set up" my cars.  In the days that I was a frenzied autocrosser, I
drove a BMW Alpina...one of twelve imported.  There were never any cars to
compete with, as the car was not close to being like the other 1600cc
sedans. The tech inspectors used to say, "oh, BMW 1600!"  It was a brand new
car at that time and there weren't many around anywhere.  Then they would
open the hood, and see the big twin Webers, and I would get classed against
the Z28 Camaros, Mustangs and such, giving away 250 horsepower and real
"drag racing muscle".  They'd smoke me on the thousand foot straights, but I
would kick a**s overall, because there wasn't a Camaro built that could
handle like the BMW.

 Later on, I bought another BMW.  I was driving between three hundred and a
thousand miles a week in my insurance biz, and I thought that the new BMW
318 would be the perfect car for Maine, and its mostly rural, two lane
winding roads.  I was wrong.

The BMW 318 was the worst car I have ever owned.  It couldn't be made to run
on the fuel available and BMW did a top end overhaul with thirty thousand
miles, and replaced the transmission before fifty due to bad synchros.  The
car was useless as a long distance car because although it came "well set
up" from the factory, the steering was so precise that it was difficult to
drive on uneven surfaces like winding Maine roads.  In the winter time, the
car was useless without studded tires on all wheels.  No, not just not
reliable in slippery going:  dangerous.  The Ultimate Driving Machine was an
ultimate bust.

Then the best car that I ever had...a Mercedes 190D.  Reliable, good  in bad
weather without snow tires, inexpensive to own on a daily basis...but MAN!
Was it ever slow, and above 60 miles per hour, was it ever unhappy.

Then there was a 190D Turbo, and I thought that car would remain my favorite
"best car of all time".  Reliable, inexpensive to own and drive on a daily
basis, and surprise, surprise!  REALLY quick, considering that it WAS a
diesel.

Then I bought my 200 Quattro wagon.  Inexpensive to drive on a daily basis,
reliable and great in all weather regardless of the situation without snow
tires.  A  tad slow off the line, but once rollling, it's as good as
anything.

But every once in a while I catch myself remembering autocrossing and such.
Four years ago, I decided to get involved in motorsports again.  I had a
Porsche 928 and some of us formed a new Porsche Club of America chapter here
in the upper nine counties of Maine.  AND, I thought we had as a "signature"
event, the ultimate opportunity for Porsche owners to DRIVE their cars:  We
designed and sponsored a time trial.  But not your ordinary time trial.
This was to be a six mile long run, using three one mile long straight
sections, with four separate and totally different handling sections that
would require maximum performance stopping and acceleration and maximum
speeds...if anyone had the nerve.

The entire event was to take place over a two day weekend in September.  The
neat part was that in northern Maine in late September, the weather can be,
ah, diffident.  A lodging and banquet package was included; catering for
breakfast and lunch at track side...the whole deal.

We needed 37 to break even, and could promise ten runs in two days.  We
managed to get 28 to register and scrubbed the even twice:  the PCA regions
to our south, with their vaunted 911s and all that jazz, just were not
interested in trying anything new or different, or exploring a new
region...or maybe they were just afraid they might see a moose...or just
maybe they were really just interested in talking the talk.

We also invited a couple of other motor clubs, but most of those folks had
VW GTIs and thought that the top speed would beat them...what that REALLY
meant was that an eight of a mile autocross was kick a**s, but a six MILE
time trial was....well....SCARY.

I threw down the challenge to the BMW club, too.  Talk the talk, but no walk
the walk.

But it would have been a great exercise for Audi Quattros.  Especially if
the capricious late September weather turned out to be as capricious as it
could.  Come to think of it, on the first weekend that this even was tried,
Saturday was partly cloudy with temperatures in the mid seventies.  Sunday,
though, dawned cloudy and there had been some drizzle the night
before...with temperature at nine in the morning, only around 45 on the
track.  So everyone would have had a great time making a run or two in the
slick.  For the event would run in rain or shine.

I would have loved to see how my Quattro wagon would have done on Sunday
morning.

So when I hear about how Audis don't do this or that against some yahoo who
wants to talk about drag racing, I think about the UPnMaine Challenge, and
how all the vaunted racer wannabes just never really even showed up!

And if you guys wanna talk about how slow this or that Audi is against some
quartermile standard, I'll race with you.  My '89 200 Quattro avant against
anything you like.  I 'll even give you a three second handicap to make up
for your lack of suspension.  But I'll pick the road, and we'll race at
seven thirty in the morning on February 11th after the previous night's four
inches of snow.

Any takers?