New Warranty information

[Mike Arman]

It appears that someone in the Legal department at VW/Audi got their hands
on a contemporary Physics book last week, and now according to my spies,
the following terms will be incorporated in the warranty for all
forthcoming VW/Audi products, effective immediately. (My analysis of each
new term follows in parenthesis.)


	WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the
Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force
Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the
Distance Between them.

(I think this especially applies to Wal-mart shopping carts and SUV bumpers)


	CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

(This can be observed by lying on your back under the car and attempting to
remove the transmission.)


	HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles Per Hour.

(Most of them will safely short to ground within hours . . . )


	CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

(I think they are referring to warranty claims here.)


	ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be
Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

(Probably not true. I'm still waiting for a V-8 S6 avant to arrive in my
driveway!)


	READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions
of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

(bzzzt - Long before THAT, dudes!)


	THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

(There is a theory that Pentosin is in fact liquified antimatter - that's
why it costs so much and disappears so fast.)


	PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although
No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process
Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

(Geez, don't tell 60 Minutes!)


	ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

(Leave it to Audi to sell us something that is mostly empty space, for lots
of money!)


	NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond
Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New
Dimensions Are, "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be
Detected.

(Good place to start looking might be the climate controllers on type 44s)


	PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer
Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist
Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

("Dear Insurance company, here is my claim for payment because according to
the best physicists in the world, my car may have ceased to exist from time
to time.")


	IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

(Hell, they can't even guarantee their product in THIS universe!)


With best regards,

Mike Arman