[s-cars] re: Bentley books vs CD

[Airbil at aol.com]

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[ Picked text/plain from multipart/alternative ]
I can think of no better Bentley explanation than a Charlie Smith redu; cut n
pasted here from the LAF literary archives: (jeesh this is still funny:)
Cheers'
Bill M  - highly recommending Bentley up until the "red zone."   Then you're
on yer own. ha!

BENTLEY MANUALS: The truth revealed.......
                      ~ ... ~
Bentley: Rotate counter-clockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with hammer
counter-clockwise.

Bentley: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Bentley: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell Buddy!

Bentley: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Bentley: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Bentley: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Bentley: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out!"

Bentley: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now retrieve some good
pliers to dig out the metal base part.

Bentley: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing them re-check the manual because this can not
be 'lightly'.

Bentley: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Bentley: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Bentley: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch
it up?

Bentley: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a
map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to
you).

Bentley: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But bikes are easy to maintain right ... right?

Bentley: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Bentley: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!

Bentley: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Bentley: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage
for while muttering profanities under your breath.

Bentley: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at it really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, just
as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Bentley: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Bentley: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Bentley: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.


Bentley: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.


Bentley: Refitting is the reverse sequence of removal.
Translation: ...but you swear in different places.

Bentley: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Bentley: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Bentley: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an VISA card and mobile 'phone

Bentley: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.


Bentley: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
to do!

For Added Bentley Fun: Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the
bit about hydrofluoric acid - do you really want the advice of a book
that uses this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at
these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine
will never look like that..."

NB: Bentley Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist.