[s-cars] Emissions testing (rant, long)

[GreenBugeye at aol.com]

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So, today was the day I had to run the S4 through Ohio's preposterous
emissions testing process.  Ohio tests the emissions of vehicles that are
less than 25 years old and the checks must be completed every two years, but
only in selected counties where the EPA has decided the air is too dirty.  I
live in one of those counties, although the counties on all sides except
north of me have no testing requirements.

This is my third trip to E-Check with the S4.  A few observations:

First, these places typically hire ratlike people who I don't want driving my
car, but the state requires me to let them.

Second, the E-Check program has resulted in absolutely no change in the
quality of our air.

Third, during my last two trips to E-Check, I specifically told the ratperson
that my car has awd and cannot be put on the single-axle roller testing
equipment -- only to go into the filthy little hut they provide and watch
through the windows as they overrev the engine and slip the clutch to drive
the car right onto the damned rollers!  The first time this happened, I
charged out there and re-explained that awd cars cannot be run in gear with
only two wheels on the rollers or they'll roll forward right into the big fan
they put in front of the car and then, presumably, right out the front of the
building and into the street.  Then I returned to the little hovel only to
watch the ratlady get back into my car and back it up until the front wheels
were on the rollers!  Damned stupid ratpeople!

So, after going through much the same routine again today, here are the
results of my emissions test:

Ohio allows cars from 2 - 25 years old to emit no more than 220 parts per
million of hydrocarbons in the exhaust.  My S4 produced 3.6 parts per
million, 1.6% of the amount allowed.  Ohio allows auto exhaust to be up to
1.2% carbon monoxide.  My S4 produced 0.0% CO.  Ohio apparently does not
limit the amount of CO2 cars emit, but the S4's exhaust is 15.474% CO2.  Ohio
requires that the gas cap can hold back up to 6 psi of pressure.  The S4's
gas cap can hold 27.9 psi.

My results have been almost identical the other two times I've been required
to have the car tested.  So, what have I learned?  I've learned that the
State of Ohio is perfectly happy to force me to pay them $19.50 to let their
ratpeople incompetently drive my car which produces exhaust that is cleaner
than the air in most large cities.

Might be time to replace some of the ratpeople in Columbus.

Rant mode off.  Thanks for listening

Chris Eck
93 S4 (w/exhaust so clean you could breathe it for good health) (also for
sale)
59 Bugeye Sprite (made to run on leaded, no emissions testing required --
Lord knows what that thing is spewing into the air)
91 CB 750 (unleaded fuel is only recommended, not required)