[s-cars] Sucking Lemons, to Head Lemon. (long)

[airbil]

Dribble courtesy of my Clueless Racing neighbor.
(I think the Makers Mark bribe sealed the deal..)
TEAM CLUELESS WINS EASTERN REGION SEASON OPENER IN 24 HOURS OF LEMONS  
CRAP CAN RACE
4-19-10. Once again Clueless Racing demonstrates that wisdom and  
treachery can overcome youth and vigor.  In the end it came down to  
team fuel strategy and psycho driving to prevail against over 50  
drivers running the junkiest cars in racing.

You may have heard of the 24 Hours of LeMons but last weekend we raced  
in the 24 Hours of Lemons a race series where the primary rule is that  
your car cannot cost more than $500.00 dollars. That’s right $500.00.  
To learn more about the series go to: http://www.24hoursoflemons.com/

Here’s the story………. We arrived at Gingerman Raceway in South Haven,  
Michigan on Thursday afternoon, Steve Kohli with the car loaded in his  
mansion on wheels car hauler and Art Kopp pulling the Clueless Camper  
Bunkhouse . We set up our paddock area as close to the track as  
possible and unloaded our top flight racer, a 1989 Honda Civic CRX SI  
whose odometer stopped working at 253,000 miles.

With our paddock area set up, we settled in for a light dinner and too  
much scotch, well Bill and me, too much scotch, don’t remember what  
everybody else did.

Friday was designated  a track test day where any team that wants to  
can run their car on the track to learn the track, test the  
reliability of their car and risk smashing the thing up before the  
race even starts. We tested all day. We gave each driver a bit under  
an hour on the track to get dialed in and learn the track.  Also on  
Friday we towed the car thru the Technical Inspection Station where  
real people who know real stuff about car safety look over your car to  
make sure you are safe enough to limit the chance that you will injure  
other competitors on the track by having stuff fall off, leak out, or  
blow up during the race. The inspectors made us replace our seat belts  
with new ones and modify our fuel cell to reduce the chance of  
explosion in a crash.  Our risk / reward analysis had lead us to  
believe that the faster fueling capability with our fuel set up was  
worth the risk, but the safety officials didn’t see it our way,  
Chickens!

Once we had our list of fixes to do from Tech Inspection we towed the  
car forward about thirty feet into the BS Inspection Area. This is  
where the race organizers, who have limited technical knowledge, no  
sympathy, no sense of logic or reason, and no moral standards, assign  
penalties based on their arbitrary judgment of how much your car is  
REALLY worth.  Based on a convoluted series of bribes and lies last  
year we had been assigned a residual value of $425.00 for our car  
which meant that from last year’s race to this year’s race we could  
spend $75.00 on improvements to our car. When the inspector, who was  
wearing a Black trench coat and a giant cowboy hat, asked how we spent  
the $75.00 dollars we were allowed, Steve Kohli, our team spokesman,  
instantly stuck out his hand and said, “we used it to buy you this  
half gallon of Makers Mark Whiskey”. Stunned, the inspector grabbed  
the bottle, said  we’d passed the BS inspection with flying colors and  
told us to get out of there immediately. I jumped into the tow  
vehicle, put it in gear and hit the throttle. I didn’t know the race  
car was in gear with the ignition turned on. As soon as the tow  
vehicle moved it, the race car fired up and started driving itself  
toward the back end of the tow vehicle. Art Kopp noticed the impending  
disaster and with cat like reflexes dove head first thru driver’s side  
window and attempted to turn the ignition off before impact. He was  
just a second too late. So here we are, Clueless Racing , drivers legs  
dangling out the window, car crashed into our own tow vehicle, right  
in front of the safety and BS inspectors……… priceless. People actually  
applauded. The day ended at a really nice Italian bistro in South  
Haven followed by a good nights sleep for everyone. The team was  
optimistic about our chances for success. The team was pumped, we were  
gonna win the race.

Saturday morning was colder but sunny and less windy than Friday, race  
day! We had our driver order figured out. The first phase of the race  
would be from 10:30 am to 8:00 pm, Bob Lojkovic  would lead off  
followed by Steve two hours later, then Art, then Rick, and Bob would  
close the day with a final 1 ½ hour stint. Things went well from the  
beginning. Our starting position, which is totally arbitrary and  
unpredictable, was about 20th and we slowly improved our position thru  
the day and without too much drama finished the day in first place by  
six laps. We had a strange problem with the rotor under the  
distributor cap shedding fine, hair like filaments which after a few  
hours of accumulation would cause the car to misfire. When we would  
come into the pit for a driver change a quick blow out with compressed  
air would clean this up for a couple of more hours. During the day  
both Steve and Rick were each called to the penalty box one time and  
scolded for various trumped up violations which they both denied  
vigorously and were let go with a slap on the wrist.  With the first  
race phase complete, we changed tires, brake pads, fueled the car and  
were ready for the next day. Nancy whipped up a truly gourmet dinner,  
Art broke out the 12 year old Scotch and we all went to bed full of  
great food and a heavy dose of optimism.

Sunday morning was a little bit warmer, sunny and a little bit less  
windy. Bill cooked up a giant breakfast of cheesy eggs, ham, bacon,  
and potatoes after which Bob was sent out in search of some new parts  
for the distributor and Art changed the oil in the car. The second  
phase of the race would begin at noon and run until 5:00 pm. The  
planned driver order would be Steve Kohli for the first two hours,  
then Art Kopp for the next two, and Rick Bartuska would run the final  
one hour to the finish. The first ten cars were started in the order  
they had finished the day before. All other cars were started in  
whatever order they arrived at the starting line. Lap count would pick  
up where it had left off the prior day. We were six laps in the lead  
when Steve led the grid out onto the track and trouble arrived almost  
from the beginning.

About a half hour into Steve’s stint the clutch stopped working. It  
wouldn’t disengage.  Steve was able to shift the car with rev matching  
technique, but his lap times were suffering. We brought him into the  
pit to try to diagnose and fix the problem. The clutch cable had  
broken where it connects to the clutch arm on the transmission.  Art  
came up with a quick fix and we sent Steve back out. Our six lap lead  
was now down to none. Steve was afraid of the temporary clutch fix and  
found that he could produce reasonably good lap times using third gear  
only. Steve used this technique while Bob ran to the parts store to  
buy an assortment of things we might be able to use to affect a  
lasting repair to the clutch system.  In Steve’s effort to hold onto  
our lead, he overcooked a corner, put two wheels off the track and was  
called into the penalty area for another talking to. The officials  
spent about ten minutes chatting with Steve about safety, the weather,  
the color of our car and generally anything they wanted in order to  
punish him for going off track by holding him in the penalty area.   
Steve, being the patient man he is, had 3 aneurisms and 4 strokes  
while maintaining a calm outward appearance to the penalty box  
officials. When they finally released him we were six laps behind the  
leader. Now Steve gets back out on the track and is  producing quite  
good lap times considering the clutch problem. Bob returns carrying  
half the Auto Zone store with him and Art and Bill come up with a  
cobbled together repair that looks like it can be done quickly and  
will carry us to the end of the race.

Everybody is really wound up and nervous as we call Steve in for a  
driver change, fuel, and the Clutch cable repair. Art was supposed to  
go into the car next but because he is the best mechanic in the pit,  
we decide to have Rick drive next so Art can concentrate on making the  
clutch repair. Steve swings into the pit and we fill the car to the  
brim with fuel.  We think filling the tank to the top will let us do  
the next driver change without refueling which will shorten our pit  
stop and help gain laps on the leader. Fueling, driver change, and  
clutch repairs all go smoothly and Rick swings out onto the track.  
With the repaired clutch cable, he immediately starts to close on the  
leader although from many laps down. The leader pits shortly after us  
and when he comes back out we’re still six laps down but closing. Two  
hours into Ricks stint and we’ve only closed the gap by two laps.  
We’re down four laps and we think that if we have enough fuel to  
finish the race maybe the leader (car 71) will have to pit so we might  
be able to catch him.

The team decides to go for it and leave the same driver in the car to  
finish the race and hopefully catch the leader if they need to pit for  
fuel. We know our fuel supply will be almost exhausted by the end of  
the race at 5:00 pm when it is announced over the PA system that the  
race will end at 5:30 and not 5:00 pm.  We are really stretched for  
fuel now and we’re not sure we can go the distance on our 20 gallon  
fuel cell.  We’re thinking of coming in for a splash of fuel when we  
see the lead (#71) car’s crew starting to get ready to make a fuel  
stop. Sure enough they pit for fuel and when they reenter the track  
it’s under yellow and they enter right in front of our car. After a  
few laps of yellow the track goes green and we start to race. Our team  
is not positive of what our position is because the track only  
publishes the car positions once every half hour. Rick follows the 71  
car and conserves fuel until we hear if both cars are on the same lap.  
When the track publishes the positions we’re shown two laps ahead of  
the former leader.   The 71 car now is driving like a mad man to stay  
ahead. Apparently the driver doesn’t know he’s 2 laps down. Rick  
decides to pass him to get away to avoid an accident.  Once around him  
we can pull away slowly but repeated yellow flags keep allowing him to  
come back on our tail. The 71 car is really racing us and we’re trying  
to get away to avoid an accident and still conserve fuel. Finally we  
decide to get behind the 71 car to try to “psycho drive” him as Bill  
called it. We race him right on his tail for awhile, pass him, let him  
pass us, pop in and out, fake passes, and wave around behind him so he  
has to keep watching his mirrors to see where we might be coming from.  
Finally, after several laps the strategy works and he becomes so  
distracted watching us he spins on entry to a turn. He’s watching  
what’s behind him instead of watching what’s ahead of him. The 71 car  
goes off track and is called to the penalty area for a talking to and  
when he renters the track he’s six laps behind us and the third place  
car is eight laps behind us. At this point there are about forty  
minutes left in the race and the team puts Rick into extreme fuel  
conserve mode losing 15 seconds a lap along with driving the whole  
track in fourth gear to try to save the clutch cable. We take the  
checker flag two laps ahead with no fuel left. The head of Tech  
immediately comes to our paddock, measures our fuel cell, takes the  
model number and suggests that we have an illegal (oversized) fuel  
tank. He doesn’t believe our car could go over 100 laps on a single  
tank of fuel. He returns a few minutes later, after online  
verification, to acknowledge that we are legal. The tank is actually  
two gallons bigger than we thought, but still below the maximum size  
allowed.

Huge celebration including big pit lane burn out on the rev limiter! I  
think we won more money (360lbs of nickels, you do the math) than the  
weekend cost us, or maybe half. It was a great effort by all.  
Everybody got along and everybody pitched in wherever necessary.  
Clueless Racing and the number 61 Van Halen car are the current points  
leaders in the Eastern Division of the 24 Hours of Lemons series. The  
venue was great, the corner workers were great and the Lemons  
organizers were….. mmm …..ahhhh…. well………..exactly who they wanted to  
be.

Drivers:

Art Kopp

       Steve Kohli

       Bob Lojkovic

       Rick Bartuska

Crew:

       Bill Bartuska

Food, support, encouragement and a steady hand:

       Nancy Kopp

Special thanks to our sponsors:

       Steve Kohli Design / Build Contractors – Best home builder in  
the Iowa City area.

       M/K industries – Best ventilation contractor in the greater  
Chicago area.

       Porter Pipe and Supply – Best HVAC and Process pipe supplier in  
the Midwest.