[V8] S8 and A7 pictures

[Roger Woodbury]

Thanks for posting these, Christer.  There was an article about these two
exact cars in the famous German magazine, "Auto Motor und Panzerfaust".  

The big car is indeed an S8 while it was on trials in northern Sweden.  This
was a special model equipped with winter traction control device developed
by Toyota's electronics division.  It seems that Audi had been trying to
develop a working relationship with Toyota whereby Toyota Electronics would
develop certain electronic controllers for use in some Audi cars. Audi had
apparently become concerned that its reputation for electronics reliability
was not as strong as desired. The system in total is called,
Uberinternalishecontrolundkonnect fur motioninterupterradicckermund
unstertiele.

Unfortunately, the Audis equipped with the Toyota ASR/ASL (Anti-skid
regulator/Anti slip lock) was interfaced with the acceleration side of the
cruise control, and under certain conditions, such as with the engine
running, would cause the car to accelerate uncontrollability.

For testing, these cars were all equipped with a special skid arrester
devices, and if you look very closely at the right rear corner of the S8 in
the pictures, you will see this device in its retracted position.  Here's
how it works.

The symptoms of the failure are a rapidly increasing undulation of the car's
body when the Quattro system begins to fight for traction, transferring
traction from one wheel to another in an alternate wheel corner manner.  The
car at this time would start to accelerate rapidly.  Since the automatic
reaction of the driver under these conditions was a sudden and deliberate
grasping of the steering wheel, it was this sudden squeezing of the wheel
that automatically engaged the circuit that activated what has been
officially designated, OSN.  The OSN is a compressed air driven piton
attached to a 100 meter long cable made of a new high tensile strength
material so secret that Audi calls it Unobtanium.  Working not unlike the
arrester hook on an F18 fighter jet, the OSN deploys and grasps any tree,
rock or road side object instantaneously. If it misses at first, it will
then immediately borrow into the road surface.  It's hooks are rumored to
bring the heavy S8 from 145kilometers per hour to a stand still sixty seven
point six five meters, but the exact speed and distance are highly
classified secrets.  Literally translated from the German, "OSN" means "OH
S**** NO".  Rumors that this device has grabbed three eighth grade children
standing beside the road waiting for a bus were untrue. The device did grab
three cows standing in a pasture in one early trial, and Audi testing did
pay the farmer 3,021 Euros and one new A6 in compensation to the farmer.

Audi has decided that the Toyota system has basic programming and design
flaws, and no additional Audis will be tested with the system.  Originally
planned to be a part of Audi's marketing, the system identifiers will be
removed from all future Audi advertising and manual publication. Collectors
are now bidding up the price for these rare documents on eBay and other
places.  The documents that are becoming collector's items can be identified
easily because on page seven there is a paragraph that discusses this system
under the heading:  "The meaning of Audi's new emergency system:  MIC KEY
MOU SE/ASN".

Now, the A7 was reviewed last month's edition of "Auto Motor und
Panzerfaust".  This is a special model being tested for use by police and
other special organizations.  Instead of a big light bar across the roof
that holds flashing lights and totally disrupts air flow over the car, and
thus destabilizes the car at high speed, the entire surface of the car is
equipped with special paint that fluoresces when current is sent through it.
Thus when in pursuit, the whole car flashes red and blue with a computer
selection of pattern in the paint work on this particular car.  

Design of the paint pattern was not coincidental, but the result of
intensive testing and design collaboration between Audi AG and the famous
German psychiatric research group (Totenshrinkenundmindenbendergeshellshaft
AG).  This pattern, when flashing in the right color temperature of red and
blue will cause a criminal seeing the lights in the mirror of his fleeing
car to become momentarily catatonic, and thus enable rapid apprehensive by
law enforcement.

It is rumored that Audi, realizing that they may have stumbled onto a new,
unique marketing tool, has accepted orders from Elton John and Ellen
Degeneres for new Audi A8's painted with this special paint.  These special
cars will flash in all colors of the rainbow.  No price has been announced,
and cars delivered to the United States market will have more normal tenting
on the rear and side windows.

Roger