[V8] Noisy BMWs

Sat Apr 7 00:02:30 PDT 2012

Oh, good!  BMW, basically unable to build cars as well as advertise them, now comes out with a special sound system that amplifies the noise of the engine inside the car.  How stupid is that?  It is yet another reason why BMW builds irrelevant cars for irrelevant drivers.

The shop that is restoring my V8 at the moment has its beginnings in high end auto restoration.  The current owner’s father began the business in the late 50’s and restored many interesting really high end cars, becoming one of the few serious Ferrari shops in the northeast.  Last week they delivered a remarkable Ferrari coupe from, oh, 1967, that had been owned by a Portland attorney for many years.  Ayer sold the car for $325,000, and I saw it the afternoon it went. The paintwork on that car was truly remarkable.  And the paintwork had been done as part of its restoration in the early 1990’s.  

Anyway, on the lot for sale right now is a BMW M3.  This is a 2009 model that is described on the company website like this:  

“OK Boys here is the most outstanding BMW M3 we've had in ages. Its Black/Black (the right colors) 19k miles. Warrentee till March 2013. Every option under the sun. Carbon fiber roof,outside mirrors, shifter,e-brake handle, steering wheel control hub, you name it. 19" wheels, navigation, heated seats, parktronic, paddle shifters, This V8 Monster will make a Porsche Blush”

I have known Ray, the owner for more than twenty years and he told me he is afraid to drive the car.  He says the car is so fast that it is simply dangerous and foolish because with no warning, the car can be going so fast so quickly that it is extremely hard to drive ANYwhere without being twice the posted legal limit.  It’s hard for people knowing what a sparsely populated state this is that driving at twice the limit will actually lose ones license quite quickly, but it happens with amazing speed.  (Ask me how I know....).  Anyway, Ray says that the car is great for those Interstate off ramps and leaving toll booths, but that is about all.   I suspect it must be a bundle of fun in a light late winter snow squall, too.

The absolutely WORST car I have ever owned was a 1983 BMW 318i that I bought new.  I have written about it before and never miss the opportunity to tell people about this remarkable example of the ultimate driving horror.  The car was my daily driver at a time when I was routinely driving 2-300 miles per day, three or four days per week.  I drove in all weather, and most of those miles were on two lane rural roads as that’s mostly what is in Maine.  At roughly 18,000 miles the car was running rough.  At first it was imperceptible...just a sort of “feeling” you got when driving the car at almost any steady speed.  Then by thirty thousand miles it was really noticeable.  The BMW factory rep gave the diagnosis:  carbonization of the exhaust valves, and the “fix” was for BMW to do a complete valve grind replacing all the exhaust valves, but grinding and reseating the intake valves “since they were already in there.”  They did this at their expense.

At thirty five thousand miles I started getting a second gear “snick” under normal shifting, and by forty thousand miles, it was no longer possible to NOT beat second gear synchromesh.  The BMW “fix” was to replace the transmission under warranty, which they did at just under fifty thousand miles.  

All of these issues were known to BMW. The explanation given to me by the Factory rep while he was standing on the floor of the BMW dealer that sold me the car was that because BMW “needed” to replace the 320i, the 318 had been moved to sales up two years, just at the time when the US had changed the formulation of its gasoline here in the northeast.  The fuel was injected right over the exhaust valve and in order to make the 318 meet emissions requirements the operating temperature of the engine had been lowered.  When that happened, the fuel was unevenly burned. They strongly recommended only super premium fuel and use of an additive....I have forgotten which one that was but it was an additional $5 per tank, THAT I do remember, and for me that was quite a bit.

The transmission was another one of those things that BMW did, which they shouldn’t have. The transmission in my 1979 BMW 320i was perfect throughout its 112,000 mile life under me, and the car itself had zero failures in that time.  It was VERY expensive to service since I was driving so many miles, but the car itself was far better than the one that replaced it.

The BMW rep told me that while the 318i might have been less that BMW standards, if I held on a bit longer, the new 325E was coming out and was a “real” BMW. (as it turned out, it wasn’t much good either).  

By sixty thousand miles the rough running was back, and the second gear synchromesh in the NEW transmission was failing, and I visited the Mercedes dealer, got a great tradein and bought a new Mercedes 190D, which was almost the best car I have ever owned, and WAS backed by the best service I have ever had, both from Mercedes and the dealer.  The only car that was better than that was the 190D turbodiesel I bought to replace it, two years later, and if that car had Quattro I might still have it and never have bought an Audi Quattro at all.

BMW?  Well, now I must spend a little time thinking up a new name using those letters.  On the other hand, I am not sure it is really worth it to spend much time on the project, but I do keep getting some name variations using the words “bowel movements” as a beginning....

Roger

P.S.  Oh, by the way, for the record.  I have owned five BMWs in my life time.  Two BMW 1600s (1967’s), one of which was an Alpina, itself one of only twelve imported.  A wonderful fun car, truly remarkable considering what it was, and for its time great value, although my Alpina at just over three grand was pretty pricey.  Talk about engine sound!  I discovered if I removed the intake air box and filter, what was revealed was the four intake horns from two Weber DCOE 40 carburetors.  Now the sound those snouts made under hard acceleration was a thing of beauty and a joy forever while you smoked that unsuspecting Chevelle big block!  I have also had a truly excellent BMW 320i that I drove hard every day, including in the winter with its four steelies and studded snow tires; the ROTTEN POS 318I; and lastly but not leastly, a restored 1969 BMW E9 coupe, one of perhaps the most beautiful BMW models ever.  Today I would own a BMW only long enough to get the best wholesale price I could.