No Audi content but worth reading

[Sandy Duffy <sandyduffy@home.com>]

>
>
> TOOLS, EXPLAINED 
>
> HAMMER:  Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive
> car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. 
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE:  Used to open and slice through the contents
> of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
> particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or
> tonneau covers. 
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:  Normally used for spinning steel Pop
> rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also
> works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of
> a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear
> axle. 
>
> PLIERS:  Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW:  One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
> board principle.  It transforms human energy into a crooked,
> unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
> course, the more dismal your future becomes. 
>
> VISE-GRIPS:  Used to round off bolt heads.  If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
> heat to the palm of your hand. 
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:  Used almost entirely for lighting those
> stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the
> Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in
> _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid
> for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell. 
>
> ZIPPO LIGHTER:  See oxyacetelene torch.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS:  Once used for working on older British cars
> and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month
> old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for
> no good reason. 
>
> DRILL PRESS:  A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
> snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
> smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
> splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench
> grinder. 
>
> WIRE WHEEL:  Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them
> somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.  Also
> removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in
> about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt." 
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:  Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground
> after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road
> springs, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front air
> dam. 
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4:  Used for levering a car upward
> off a hydraulic jack. 
>
> TWEEZERS:  A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE:  Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has
> another hydraulic floor jack. 
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:  Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
> for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off
> your boot. 
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:  A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> TIMING LIGHT:  A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease
> buildup on crankshaft pulleys. 
>
> TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:  A handy tool for testing the
> tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you
> may have forgotten to disconnect. 
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:  A large motor mount prying
> tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
> tip on the end without the handle. 
>
> BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER:  A handy tool for transferring
> sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox
> after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just
> as you thought. 
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS:  See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT:  The mechanic's own tanning booth.  Sometimes
> called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
> sunshine vitamin,"  which is not otherwise found under cars at
> night.  Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
> 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
> shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name is
> somewhat misleading. 
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:  Normally used to stab the lids of
> old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
> can also be used, as the name implies, to round-out Phillips
> screw heads. 
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR:  A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic
> impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened
> 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds
> them off. 




>Subject: Air Force Maintenance 
> 
> 
> Actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the 
> replies from the maintenance crews. 
> 
> Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." 
> Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." 
> 
> Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." 
> Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." 
> 
> Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." 
> Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." 
> 
> Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." 
> Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." 
> 
> Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." 
> Solution: "Evidence removed." 
> 
> Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." 
> Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." 
> 
> Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." 
> Solution: "Live bugs on order." 
> 
> Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." 
> Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." 
> 
> Problem: "IFF inoperative." 
> Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode." 
> 
> Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." 
> Solution: "That's what they're there for." 
> 
> Problem: "Number three engine missing." 
> Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." 
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