Re: Audi Quattro Mountain Bike?

[Scott Fisher <sefisher@cisco.com>]

Top Ten Features of a Quattro Bike:

10.  No doors, no doorhandles -- dealer service calls drop an instant
50% compared to comparable Audi automobiles.

9.  All-wheel-drive is only half as complex to implement, but still
increases the total vehicle weight by a third.

8.  Fierce and unending debate surrounds the bike on the Internet,
mostly by people who have never ridden one, until it is explained that
the original poster was talking about how reaching around to scratch
spider bites on his lower back caused his *torso* to change the bike's
weight transfer.

7.  Rider who posts question about why rear tire is hotter than front
tire after long downhill ride is asked whether he was squeezing the
brakes with his right hand, or with his left hand.

6.  U.S. versions of the bike come with 20% less power than Euro
versions, and six cupholders.

5.  60 Minutes is investigated by FCC, FBI, BBC, CBC and chem-7 *stat*
(whoops, sorry, been watching too much E.R., I guess) after it is
discovered that their test bikes were rigged with fishing line in
controversial "unintended rolling off kickstand" episode.

4.  Quattro bikes are banned from international competition for their
"unfair advantage" when a nine-year-old girl from Poughkeepsie wins the
Tour de France three years in a row.  (Inquiries into how she remained
nine years old for three successive years are eventually settled out of
court.)

3.  A sequel to "Breaking Away" is made, this time set at the U.S. Air
Force Academy in Colorado Springs.

2.  Riders of the Quattro Bike report difficulties with certain
neurological functions (including the ability to count and to learn
foreigh languages), traced to a breakdown of the electrical connections
in the body's central nervous system.  This is proved to be curable by a
saline drip of Stabilant-22 (special phosphate-free formula).

And the NUMBER ONE FEATURE of the Audi Quattro Mountain Bike is:

1.  An anonymous youth causes the list server to crash when he posts to
the quattro-bike-list that he has managed to get his sister's *mint*
Quattro Bike to put out 260 horsepower, then refuses to explain how.

--Scott "Quattro bike... it just doesn't add up" Fisher