roast aussi

["Dave Eaton" <Dave.Eaton@clear.net.nz>]

here in the boonies, as you know, we are a long way from the civilising
influence of the great us-of-a (ahem) and that great leveller of humanity,
hollywood.  how refreshing therefore to get your kind invitation for usa
regional cuisine…

so, i thought it appropriate that we mention a special delicacy that we have
in this part of the world.  it is called , roast aussi.  to effectively
roast an aussi, you require some preparation time, in fact, the end result
is directly influenced predominately by this factor.

the other essential ingredient is surprise.  if an aussi is caught
unprepared and roasted slowly, the flavour stays and the enjoyment can last
a number of days.  on the other hand, a stale and quickly roasted aussi is
rather best avoided and, alas, as this tends to describe the majority, you
need to be very careful.  in fact, you must use your wisdom, gathered over
years of careful aussi-roasting to learn to pick a good specimen.
appearances can be deceptive.

slow roasting, helped by liberal doses of good alcohol is best.  my
preference is a fine single malt, although others prefer greater volumes of
beer.  for this an irish stout is usually wasted, and a lager too
sophisticated.  an ale is just about right.  through an as yet barely
understood mechanism, the aussi seems to be somewhat porous to alcohol and
therefore more amenable to roasting as time passes.  most would wait around
2 hours at this stage, although the inculcation of alcohol by the aussi is
the primary determinant.  do not rush!  your patience will be amply
rewarded.  the presence of women is also, i’m afraid, best avoided because
this will encourage the aussi to consume all the available alcohol within a
few city blocks, to stagger around making unpleasant grunting noises, and
unfortunately, making a last minute desperate attempt to eat grass to avoid
becoming sick and passing out.  usually after a futile attempt to chase any
women in the vicinity.  if the aussi is at this lamentable state, there is
really little that you can do other than to put off the roasting for another
day.

once you are ready to proceed, slowly turn up the heat.  a straight forward,
simple-minded approach seems to work best.  the aussi, at their best, is a
rather slow, dim-witted animal and can quickly become confused.  at this
point, it can turn and become aggressive, which rather spoils the taste.  if
you have made this mistake, a chorus of a soothing “maaaaaaaaaaaate” seems
to work the best.  once they hear this, the aussi instantly relaxes and can
even go to sleep.  so avoid needless repetition.  you will also need to
apply more alcohol.  once the aussi has settled down some more, you can set
to work again.

to start the roast, first sauté lightly, all the while adding further
amounts of alcohol, then gradually turn up the heat.  the aussi will, much
like the frog in hot water, be unaware of the increasing temperature.  this
is the key to success.  gradually turn up the heat until the aussi starts to
turn pink, and then red.  if the colour at this point is simply puce, then
the aussi has simply had too much alcohol and you must apply more heat.
bright red is the best colour.  your friends can all help with the roast and
will undoubtedly enjoy the experience.  as with all cooking, the key is to
know when to stop and when to apply more heat.  do not overcook the aussi or
the taste will be ruined.

remember to garnish to taste and serve hot.  it is a meal best shared with a
few good friends.  if you are careful, there might even be enough left over
to share later with your friends.  this later meal can be had cold, without
alcohol.

dave
'95 rs2
'90 ur-q