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Spokes: SUVs and Dave Barry
Humorous, albeit a little long. I try to avoid posting non-Audi
messages to the list, but this one was too funny to pass up. Plus,
it coincides nicely with the q-lists unofficial bitch-about-SUVs
policy. :-)
MAC: My urquattro seems to be running OK again. All I did was take
the intake apart and put it back together for a 3rd time. The only
explanation I can devise is that a hose clamp was loose enough to allow
pressurized air to blow past it, but not loose enough for it to slip
off of the turbo or intercooler. Pretty shakey, I know.
Later,
Eric
'85 CGT, '82 urq
---
Eric J. Fluhr Email: ejfluhr@austin.ibm.com
High End Processor Design Phone: (512) 838-7589
IBM Server Group Austin, TX
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>Dave Barry is my hero:
>
> DAVE BARRY : Oink if you drive a sport utility vehicle
> By Dave Barry
>
> If there's one thing this nation needs, it's bigger cars.
> That's why I'm excited that Ford is coming out with a
> new mound o' metal that will offer consumers even
> more total road-squatting mass than the current
> leader in the humongous-car category, the popular
> Chevrolet Suburban Subdivision - the first passenger
> automobile designed to be, right off the assembly
> line, visible from the moon.
>
> I don't know what the new Ford will be called.
> Probably something like the "Ford Untamed
> Wilderness Adventure." In the TV commercials, it
> will be shown splashing through rivers, charging up
> rocky mountainsides, swinging on vines, diving off
> cliffs, racing through the surf and fighting giant sharks
> hundreds of feet beneath the ocean surface - all the
> daredevil things that cars do in Sport Utility Vehicle
> Commercial World, where nobody ever drives on an
> actual road. In fact, the interstate highways in Sport
> Utility Vehicle Commercial World, having been
> abandoned by humans, are teeming with deer,
> squirrels, birds and other wildlife species that have
> fled from the forest to avoid being run over by those
> nature-seekers in multi-ton vehicles barreling through
> the underbrush at 50 mph.
>
> In the real world, of course, nobody drives Sport
> Utility Vehicles in the forest, because when you have
> paid upwards of $40,000 for a transportation
> investment, the last thing you want is squirrels
> pooping on it. No, if you want a practical "off-road"
> vehicle, you get yourself a 1973 American Motors
> Gremlin, which combines the advantage of not being
> worth worrying about with the advantage of being so
> ugly that poisonous snakes flee from it in terror.
>
> In the real world, what people mainly do with their
> Sport Utility Vehicles, as far as I can tell, is try to
> maneuver them into and out of parking spaces. I
> base this statement on my local supermarket, where
> many of the upscale patrons drive Chevrolet
> Subdivisions. I've noticed that these people often
> purchase just a couple of items - maybe a bottle of
> diet water and a two-ounce package of low-fat dried
> carrot shreds - which they put into the back of their
> Subdivisions, which have approximately the same
> cargo capacity, in cubic feet, as Finland. This means
> there is plenty of room left over back there in case,
> on the way home, these people decide to pick up
> something else, such as a herd of bison.
>
> Then comes the scary part: getting the Subdivision
> out of the parking space. This is a challenge, because
> the driver apparently cannot, while sitting in the
> driver's seat, see all the way to either end of the
> vehicle. I drive a compact car, and on a number of
> occasions I have found myself trapped behind a
> Subdivision backing directly toward me, its massive
> metal butt looming high over my head, making me
> feel like a Tokyo pedestrian looking up at Godzilla.
>
> I've tried honking my horn, but the Subdivision
> drivers can't hear me, because they're always talking
> on cellular phones the size of Chiclets. ("The Bigger
> Your Car, The Smaller Your Phone," that is their
> motto.) I don't know who they're talking to. Maybe
> they're negotiating with their bison suppliers. Or
> maybe they're trying to contact somebody in the
> same area code as the rear ends of their cars, so they
> can find out what's going on back there. All I know
> is, I'm thinking of carrying marine flares, so I can fire
> them into the air as a warning to Subdivision drivers
> that they're about to run me over. Although frankly
> I'm not sure they'd care if they did. A big reason why
> they bought a Sport Utility Vehicle is "safety," in the
> sense of, "you, personally, will be safe, although
> every now and then you may have to clean the
> remains of other motorists out of your wheel wells."
>
> Anyway, now we have the new Ford, which will be
> EVEN LARGER than the Subdivision, which I
> imagine means it will have separate decks for the
> various classes of passengers, and possibly, way up
> in front by the hood ornament, Leonardo DiCaprio
> showing Kate Winslet how to fly. I can't wait until
> one of these babies wheels into my supermarket
> parking lot. Other motorists and pedestrians will try
> to flee in terror, but they'll be sucked in by the Ford's
> powerful gravitational field and become stuck to its
> massive sides like so many refrigerator magnets.
> They won't be noticed, however, by the Ford's
> driver, who will be busy whacking at the side of his
> or her head, trying to dislodge his or her new cell
> phone, which is the size of a single grain of rice and
> has fallen deep into his or her ear canal.
>
> And it will not stop there. This is America, darn it,
> and Chevrolet is not about to just sit by and watch
> Ford walk away with the coveted title of Least Sane
> Motor Vehicle. No, cars will keep getting bigger: I
> see a time, not too far from now, when upscale
> suburbanites will haul their overdue movies back to
> the video-rental store in full-size, 18-wheel
> tractor-trailers with names like "The Vagabond." It
> will be a proud time for all Americans, a time for us
> to cheer for our country. We should cheer loud,
> because we'll be hard to hear, inside the wheel wells.
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