isham research
A Contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the Angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possible get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologises for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you!"
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the draftee sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The man is awe struck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth agape. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible my son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking for a monkey. The storeowner points towards three identical looking monkeys in politically correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
"The one to the left costs $500," says the storeowner.
"Why so much?" asks the customer.
"Because it can program in C," answers the storeowner.
The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told that "That one costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational technology."
The startled man then asks about the third monkey.
"That one costs $3000," answers the storeowner.
"$3000!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"
To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."