Standing ovations are easy - get the venue to take all the chairs out
A guy is desperate to become a musician but can never seem to learn an instrument. Finally he hears about a brain implant system and goes to enquire about it. The salesman says "It's simple, Sir - we just add some genuine musician's brain to yours and you instantly know what the other man knew."
"OK," says the guy, "how much is it?"
"We have singers brain at £1000 a ounce, guitarists at £2000, pianists at £3000 and drummers at £250,000."
"Wow is drummers brain that good?"
"No, but do you know how many drummers we have to kill to get a whole ounce?"
Saint Peter is checking IDs at the Pearly Gates, and first comes a Texan. "Tell me, what have you done in life?" says St. Peter.
The Texan says, "Well, I struck oil, so I became rich, but I didn't sit on my laurels--I divided all my money among my entire family in my will, so our descendants are all set for about three generations."
St. Peter says, "That's quite something. Come on in. Next!"
The second guy in line has been listening, so he says, "I struck it big in the stock market, but I didn't selfishly just provide for my own like that Texan guy. I donated five million to Save the Children."
"Wonderful!" says Saint Peter. "Come in. Who's next?"
The third guy has been listening, and says timidly with a downcast look, "Well, I only made five thousand dollars in my entire lifetime."
"Heavens!" says St. Peter. "Who did you drum for?"
A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!" The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, "If it doesn't work, let me know."
A week later the guy is back: "Doc, still no movement!"
The doctor says, "Hmm, guess you need something stronger," and prescribes a powerful laxative.
Still another week later the poor guy is back: "Doc, STILL nothing!"
The doctor, worried, says, "We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a drummer."
The doctor looks up and says, "Well, that's it! Here's £5.00. Go get something to eat!"
What happens if you play blues music backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Did you hear about the bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed?
What do drummers have in common with condoms?
There's public pressure to use one, but it's a hell of a lot better without.
Why are gaps between sets only 20 minutes?
So the drummer doesn't forget where he put the playlist
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
The knock always slows down.
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in his car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
How do you know when the stage is level?
The drummer drools out of both sides of his mouth
What do you call a beautiful woman on a drummers arm?
A tattoo.
How do trumpet players park in the handicapped slots?
They put drumsticks on the dashboard.
How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming, but you can't do anything about it.
A drummer goes in for a haircut but refuses to take off his walkman. The hairdresser does as best he can and then askes again if the headphones could come off again, just for a moment so he can finish the job, but the drummer refuses and says that it might kill him to take them off. The hairdresser can't sit and look at this dodgy haircut so he just rips them off and finishes the job. After about 30 seconds the drummer just collapses in his seat and is dead. The hairdresser can't resist listening to this life giving music, so puts on the headphones and hears "Breath in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out......."
What's the difference between a large pizza and a drummer?
A large pizza can feed a family of four...
What's the difference between a drummer and Dr. Scholl's foot pads?
Dr. Scholl's foot pads buck up the feet.
Why is a laundrette a bad place for a drummer to pick up women?
A woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support him.
I asked my drummer to spell "Mississippi"...
He said, "the river or the state?"
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?"
The drummer, crest fallen, says, "How did you know?"
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."
And finally:
Why are most drummer jokes one-liners?
So guitarists can remember them
But if you want some bass guitarist jokes ...
There are some one-liners here, and there's always the Devil's Dictionary.
And that's probably buggered it - Dave, Neil, Chris and Pina will never speak to me again.
Keep music live in Sheffield