The UK quattro Network
The UK's mobile Audi 5-cylinder mechanic - 07833 654800, 24x7
Specialist in turbos, quattros, electrics and non-starts

We are indebted to Scott Mockry for the following precautions - a home garage can be a dangerous place:

• Beware of rotating machinery - ties and gold chains worn around your neck will hang you at the most embarrassing moments while working on a running engine.
• Your fingers will fit between the drive belts and the pulley when the engine is running but they won't look quite the same when they come out.
• Flying metal shrapnel can pierce your clothing, eyes and main organs. Wear eye protection and carry health insurance.
• Rags, jacket sleeves, loose clothing, and anything attached to them, will be ruined if they get caught in the engine while it is running.
• Rotating radiator fan blades make the Ronco Vegamatic look like a toy. Watch your fingers!
• Spinning drill presses can curl your hair like the best beauty salon in town.
• Coolant, brake fluid, gasoline, brake cleaning spray, carb cleaning spray, and engine oil are not designed to be in your eyes.
• Brake dust and used engine oil are carcinogenic.
• Your beloved pet will drink just about anything lying on the garage floor, much to their dismay. Mop up any spilled engine coolant or oils.
• Repairing vehicles with a dry cleaning plastic bag over your head, may cause suffocation.
• Disconnecting the battery is rarely a bad idea and sometimes a very good one.
• Do not repair your vehicle while under the influence of alcohol, drugs, or your friends' advice.
• Don't work on your car when your girlfriend or wife wants to go out to dinner.
• Buckle up (your pants) and save yourself from certain embarrassment while working on your car.
• Don't tolerate small children. If you have no choice, take the keys out of the ignition and lose them. Either the children or the keys.
• Most cars weigh enough to crush you like an egg and stop your breathing. Use appropriate jack stands.
• Dropped transmissions or engines can cut your fingers to the bone.
• Keep fragile objects removed from cars on the floor. That way they don't have far to fall.
• Razor knives, screwdrivers and sharp awls can bring a whole new meaning to body piercing if used improperly.
• Rings, and watches make great heating elements when shorted between the starter battery connection and engine ground. Remove all jewellery when working on your car.
• Cooling system hoses can explode at any time, giving you a nice dousing with boiling hot coolant under 15psi of pressure. Wear goggles and appropriate clothing while working with a hot engine.
• CAUTION: gasoline fumes can explode at any time. No - not flash into flame - EXPLODE. Until you've seen a gasoline vapour explosion you will not believe the violence of the detonation. It will blow the walls of your garage out and drop the roof on you. When it finally comes back down. The flash point of gasoline vapour is around -40°C and the flame front moves at ca. 2000 metres/sec. The movies are wrong - they use liquid kerosene for nice orange flames. If you're the victim of a gasoline vapour explosion, you probably won't even see it. Do not work on the fuel system in an enclosed area or in your living room, especially if your friends smoke or your water heater/clothes dryer has an open flame.
• Loosening fuel lines will spray fuel in your eyes just like a spitting cobra. Only faster and more of it.
• Incandescent light bulbs make a great ignition source when dropped into a pool of fuel. Modern LED lamps are safer.
• Carbon monoxide will put you to sleep forever and make you the new Rip Van Winkel. Ensure proper ventilation when your engine is running.
• Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear when you are spinning backwards out of control; drive an Audi Quattro and avoid this problem....
• Successfully repairing cars is a lot like making love; go slow, pay attention to details, and if in doubt ask for directions.
• Your mileage may vary.

Contact Phil Payne by email or use mobile/SMS 07833 654800