revocation of independence [nac]

[Thomas J. Donohue, Jr.]

Touchy, touchy, touchy...or is that touche?

Dave Eaton wrote:

> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a President USA and thus to govern
> yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
> effective today.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
> all states, commonwealths and other territories.  Except Utah, which she
> does not fancy.
>
> Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you
> who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
> will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
>
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be
> circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
> look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at
> just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.  Generally, you should raise
> your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary". Using the same
> twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
> know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  Look up
> "interspersed".
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on
> your behalf.
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
> really isn't that hard.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
> good guys.
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
> but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get
> confused and give up half way through.
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football".  There is only one kind of
> football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
> The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
> may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.  You will no
> longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
> It is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
> to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
> stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
> like nancies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
> side by 2005.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if
> they give you any merde.  The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is
> a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.  ("Merde" is
> French for "sh*t".)
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.  November 8th will be a new
> national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
> 9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your
> own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.
>
> Thank you for your co-operation.