Christmas with Louise (NAC)

[Robert Bauer]

Humor for the day!

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all
he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say
about Santa checking the list twice must be true
because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids'
stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung
sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put
on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love
doll. They don't sell those things at Wal Mart. I
had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've
never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things
like,
"What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!"
"Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I
could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding
what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of
the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on
animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She
was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise
a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas
Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let
me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa
had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on
a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple
of hours. The next morning my brother called to say
that Santa had been to his house and left a present
that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then
come back and bark some more. We all agreed that
Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for
the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother
noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly
explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my
mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,"
Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was
Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by
the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner
went well. We made the usual small talk about who had
died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when
suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The
cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his
knees, and began administering mouth to mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair
and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the house, and sat in the car. It was
indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in
my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough
examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right
thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called
duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. It was
indeed a wonderful Christmas. SMILE....It's contagious