FW: You might enjoy this...(NAC and LONG)

[Beatty, Robert]

Work Poop

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in
our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we
try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you
who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........

2002 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an
escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the
poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosedlocation. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have
just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY
FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper
or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of
the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid
all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to
alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water
and causes a douche of cold water to hit your butthole. This is also an
embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in
the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH
with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An
UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in,
check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE

Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell
tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks.
Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans
each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE
can become a SAFE HAVEN.

BED OF REST

Definition: The creation of a hammock from toilet paper just above the
water line, thus cushioning the fall of a turd. Extremely effective in
averting a possible WATERMELON incident. However, such a construction
cannot be expected to cope with a HAVANA OMELET. Also, the complete lack of
sound emmitting from your stall may alert an UNCLE TED of suspicious
activity. Discreetion is required before using this technique.