[s-cars] Tool descriptions (NAC)

[Harold McComas]

Sorry for the non-Audi content, but thought you might appreciate these:

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal 
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings 
your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted 
airplane part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the 
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and 
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, 
"Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes 
until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, 
and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your 
future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they 
can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable 
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the 
wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and 
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 
socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after 
you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly 
under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off 
a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic 
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for 
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known 
drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything 
you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an 
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a 
drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which 
is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main 
purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm 
howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle 
of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style 
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, 
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power 
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by 
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over 
tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their 
heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket 
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used 
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from 
the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard 
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents 
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector 
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while 
yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you 
will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow 
eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in 
foresight
 BTDT on some of those....

Harold M