[s-cars] Tool descriptions (NAC)

[LL - NY]

Pretty entertaining.
 Sadly accurate.
 LL - NY

 On 11/11/05, Harold McComas <HaroldMcComas at comcast.net> wrote:
>
> Sorry for the non-Audi content, but thought you might appreciate these:
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
> metal
> bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
> your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted
> airplane part you were drying.
>
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
> the
> workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
> hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say,
> "Ouch...."
>
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
> until you die of old age.
>
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
>
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion,
> and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
> future becomes.
>
> VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available,
> they
> can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> hand.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
> the
> wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
>
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
> you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle
> firmly
> under the bumper.
>
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
> off
> a hydraulic jack handle.
>
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
>
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic
> floor jack.
>
> SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.
>
> E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
> drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
> everything
> you forgot to disconnect.
>
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has
> an
> accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
>
> AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a
> drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"
> which
> is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's
> main
> purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
> 105-mm
> howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
> Battle
> of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
> as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
> power
> plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by
> hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over
> tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their
> heads.
>
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
>
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
>
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
> used
> as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from
> the object we are trying to hit.
>
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
>
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
> while
> yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that
> you
> will need.
>
> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow
> eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in
> foresight
> BTDT on some of those....
>
> Harold M
>
>
>
>
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