[s-cars] LAF Weakend JNR report - E60 ///M5

[pkrasusky at ups.com]

Morning gents-

First, the obligatory:  MUWHAAHAHAhahahaahahaaa - damn - Just Not Right.

With that out of the way, I finally found my slimyway behind the
perfectly sized and shaped paddleshifter equipped wheel of der '06 E60
///M5 last night - JNR style butofcourse - no tire kicking window
salivating ohsowishful thinking here, uh uh.

WTF!?!?!??!?  A reoccurring theme...

That car walked on der Alumibitch from a 2nd gear roll.  I pretty much
expected that, but WTF the argument was over before I even got to 4th
gear.  I wasn't loosing sight of him but I wasn't keeping pace either.
The few blowby's I did were dutifully negated with a quick downshift to
match my speed then he'd start pulling again.  Kinda felt like I was
running mit ebrake on, needles moving fast but don't feel like going
anywhere.  Weird.

That car suuuuuure does smell good to be behind WOT yeah - sorta like
how smelling your clothes dryer venting outside on a winter day makes
you feel good - but WTF does the thing simply SPATTER the follower with
f'n GRAVEL.  I'm not talking from launch, either.  Cruising down the
roadway at speed - ticketyticketytick.  D'oh!  Guess them 285/35/19
ContiSport rears will do that to ya.

Parked side to side with der //S8 - let's get one thing straight here -
the E60 is GINORMOUS.  I mean, WTFly enormous, JNRly enormous.  It makes
the Alumibitch look sleek slender and tidy.  More comedically, it makes
his UrS6 look like a "B" series commuter car, Aries K style or
something.  Oh and 20 years dated.  The E60 is very futuristic looking.
Bangle be *damned* (I vowed not to like this car due to him, but), the
lines somehow work on this rig and are acceptable, esp. the side flanks
which are very balls looking.  The silvergrey color is definitely THE
perfect color for this car, as I say "the color of the road", and nicely
helps mask them f'n fugly headlights.

Don't believe me on the size issue you say?  Do you like apples???  How
'bout DEM apples:

D2 //S8:  Wheelbase 113.5 in Track front 62.5 in rear 62.1 in Length
198.2 in Width 74 in Height 55.8 in Length:wheelbase ratio 1.75 Kerb
weight 3814 lb Fuel capacity 23.8 Gal

E60 ///M5:  Wheelbase 113.7 in Track front 62.2 in rear 61.7 in Length
191.5 in Width 61.7 in Height 57.8 in Length:wheelbase ratio 1.68 Kerb
weight 4012 lb Fuel capacity 18.5 Gal

Now there's WTF for ya.  Dunno how my car is 7" longer as we had them
side to side and they looked the same length.  My wheelbase looks
waaaaaay longer, but, low and behold it's shorter???  Odd.  My car is
notably wider, tho a FOOT?  Dunno about that one.  But, the car TOWERS
over mine.  Esp. noticeable in the cowl area, roofline, and ohso upright
sideslabs.  And ground clearance?  Must be alot of offroading
opportunities in Munich?  Would make most SUVs blush.  The cited //S8
weight seems optimistic, my manual says 4,065 I believe.  Regardless,
it's the same weight?  WTF?  

But I digress.

Walk up to the car, grab the handle, and it unlocks.  Keyless Go is
COOL!  Chalk up a technofeature #1 I thought would be gimmicky but I'll
be damned that's neat.  Open door, something underhood starts squawking
buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, like a plane preparing for flight.
WTF is that?  No idea, some sorta electrowizardry motor preparing for
something, or something and stuff and things.  I think.  

Time to strap in (don't confuse with strap ON).  Black active sport
seats with an extremely fine grade of uberschmelling leather.  So
supple, so nice.  Adjust seat to "me"?  No problem.  _ARTICULATED
SEATBACKS_????  WTF!?  Now there's a feature I could live with in every
car.  Oh nelly can you tailor that seat on like white on rice.  And you
can snug them active side bolsters into the ribcage something fierce!
Like being strapped into the electric chair or something, they grip you
tight and fast, quite the chuckle.  I've driven active seats before in
the E55 but still having trouble getting accustom to them.  I'm pretty
sure I dig them and they're helpful, but for the newb they're a bit
distracting.    But we've not blasted off yet, let me continue.

Push button starter is neat, DSG to N, fire the 5.0L oversquare 12:1
compression V10 to life and start playing "bounce the tach".  Get a good
feel of the exhaust sound, very decent, and amaze at the strikingly
lively throttle response and rev crispness.  You could drop a C hair on
the go pedal and it would register with the proportionate blip.  Gnarly.
For the statisticians:  507neigh @ 7,750 / 383poundme @ 6,100 - reddyred
is 8,250.  Oh my I can't wait to find that.  

Heads up display is on.  Chalk #2 for technofeature coolness.  I wanted
to hate it, I did.  Doesn't heads up just reek of Ponticrap or
Cadilcrap???  Nope, uh uh, it's f'n balls neat and f'n immensely
helpful.  Gear selection, speed, tach, and not a distraction.  I kept
waiting for Princess Leia to appear in the hologram naked, for not.

Parking sensors are talking to me.  Chalk #3 for technofeature coolness.
iDrive be damned, it's not that bad once you figure it out.  NEVAH
thought I'd type that sentence.  And I thought parking sensors were for
Floridian retirees - until I parked the Alumiyacht for the first time.
NOT an easy endeavor!  Blindspots everywhere, and blindspots with many
$$$ attached to them - nottagoodcombo!  Audi's system of "beeeeeeep" is
pathetic.  Maybe it's improved now, don't care.  THIS system is in fact
the cat's ass.  It shows a diagram of the top of the car with each
corner featuring a rounded surrounding color.  As you close in on
something the color molds to the corner and changes color as you get too
close.  F'n trick!  

With that said, it's time to embark.  This is me first whack at SMG,
heard lots of love it / hate it.  Setting off is a hoot - quite like a
snowmobile for any you sledheads here - quite an interesting feel.  The
wheel paddles are terrific, pull left one for down pull right one for
up.  The shifter itself is slapped BACK to grab upshifts and FORWARD to
grab downshifts, the way I always thought it should be intuitively in
cars.  Course mine's opposite so this takes some brains to get
acclimated to.  I troll around and get a feel for it, awesome steering
weight and response.  The 14.7" front brakes feel great; surprisingly,
they're not to "bity", they just feel good and work well in a WTF
uneventful sorta way.  Why BMW uses floating calipers is beyond me -
weight maybe?  Could be purtier certainly, but them pie plate rotors
look mack.  

My sphincter is finally prepped and ready for the insanity to ensure, so
it's time to explore 8,250 upshifts.  You can't screw this up - the car
just wails on through the tach and SLAMS the next upshift with
authority.  Hitting the limiter is a non-event, it's a soft limiter, not
intrusive, and will not upshift for you.  And who doesn't like
rev-matched downshifts?  Whattasound!  So handy, so trick, so helpful
they are.  "Wanna pitch it" he says?  MUwhahahaa, sure I do!  DSC
<<<off>>>.  My big toe didn't even get a pulse of blood through it and
the rears are ROASTED off.  Slap 2nd and the now sideways drift
continues forward onward 8,250ward.  SMG is definitely cool, pundits be
damned.  Yeah there's some clunkiness and some delay, but I feel as with
anything it is only a matter of becoming attuned to the nuance and
perfecting your technique.

Through the gears, time to get a move on.  I'm only in 4th... look mom
105.  WTF?

WTF?  105?  BMW assuredly calibrates their US speedos in Kilometers.
Must be.  105?  4th?  Farting along like going to church.  JNR!  Very
uneventful, almost uninvolving.  Almost.  Grab a coupla more upshifts,
now we're moving.  Ooops 140.  Feels like maybe 75 now.  JNR!  WTF,
again?  This is entirely too easy, just about feels like near any John
Q. Public could do this in this car.  It sorta, sorta does "it" for you.
Sorta.  WTF?  I play with bogging it in 6th and snicker at the glorious
V10 induction note tee hee.  He tells me think that's funny try it 7th.

7th?

WTF????  Yeah I know I know I know, I knew SMG had 7spd.  I've heard
that, read that, yeah yeah yeah.  Tooling along in 6th it's completely a
forgotten concept.  7th?  Who the F needs SEVENTH GEAR in this
car!?!??!?!?  JNR.  I'd cruise around in 4th-5th upshifts downshifts all
day everyday, and likely ohsolikely go to jail.  Go directly to jail.
Do Not Pass Go.  Do Not Collect $200 dollars.  Go Directly To Jail.  

JNR.

7th sees onesixfive.  Wow.  I've never been there.  Not even in der GT2.
Think I saw 162 in that or 159, few times.  But so not the same.  Not
even remotely.  The GT2 is a visceral assault on all that is good and
rapes your soul daring you prodding you defying you to push it more,
more, more.  The front end darts with confident nervousness - if there
is such thing.  ///M5?  La dee da da da, dum dee dee dee, dum dum, I'm
going onesixfive.  Whatever.  JNR.  WTF?

Therein lies the WTF.  How do you quantify this "phenomenon" I wonder /
ask?  No idea.  I was sorta left speechless after, muttering senselessly
like some schoolboy halfwit baffoon (shoe / fits).  It is a very odd
concept.  Gigantic uberluxuryubersupercar sledgehammer.  More capable
than you can pretend, involving and isolated equally and oppositely -
simultaneously.  WTF?  Weird.

JNR, as usual.  I highly recommend trying this at home kids.

-Paul 



ps.  come fingerbang it my place tomorrow night, "we'll be there"...