New Chip Dicovered!!!

[Stephen Siblock <steve.siblock@sheridanc.on.ca>]

You won't find *this* in the Bentley.

It seems that everyone has experienced "Audiosis", that mechanical 
condition triggered by simply treating your car like less than God.  You 
know, when reading the classified ads under "Import Cars for Sale", your 
impeccibly maintained 200tq suddenly smokes dark blue and your seat 
heater won't work in January.

The reverse is also true, after a good hand-waxing, you may find that 
your muffler rattle mysteriously disappears.  These damn cars have 
*brains* don't ya know!  They are alive!

Well guess what I found?  While vaccuuming the bristles on the hand brake, 
I noticed a small, square lump under the fabric of the driver's seat.  
"Careful removal revealed... the StuporChip.

It has feelers everywhere!  It detects your weight and width of your butt 
to make sure it pisses off the right person.  It has leads into every 
lightbulb on the dash, and special, shorted-out wires into the computer 
diagnotic display.  Moisture sensors on the wipers detect soapy water 
(not rain), and special audio sensors in the headlining seem to send 
random voltage down wires connected to the ECU, that seem to respond to 
the auditory signals which can be phontically mapped to 
"bee-em-dub-el-u", "mer-c=say-deez", "for-sale", and 
"why-u-stoopid-hunk-of-metal".  OH yes, the seat sensors also detect the 
thickness of your wallet on any given day before your holidays.  A 
special date function monitors the year looking for patterns of long 
driving habits, and when combined with the trunk-is-full-of-stuff sensor, 
successfully determines that you are on holiday, and sends a random 
voltage to the coolant reservoir drain plug.

It cannot be removed.  Just keep the soap sensor activated now and then 
and the StuporChip should not cause you undue trouble.

 Stephen Siblock, Associate Registrar          Tel: 905-845-9430 x2695
 Sheridan College, Oakville, Ontario, Canada   Fax: 905-815-4086
 (Co-list-owner, OCUR-L "Ontario College and Universities' Registrars' 
  Discussion List")
 '86 Audi 5000 CD Turbo Silver/Navy
 '81 Audi 5000 S Arctic White        "It's always a broken wire."