Re: An Open Letter: Insufferable Q-list Abuse

["Bart Chambers" <bartonc@208.131.167.6>]

Jonathan, this is not a flame, for it was immediately clear that you were 
responding to a private message that you felt was sufficiently provocative to 
yank your own chain.

But you might mull this over and think about it...and so might you, Charles.

The Rev. David G. Mueller sagely notes:

> Indeed, the list is not the place for this stuff.  After considering both
> Jonathan and Charles, they both have need to aplogize to each other.  I
> don't think there is a need to cut either from the list.

Yer Kindly Ol' Unka Bart delurks for a moment to add to Rev. Muellers wisdom 
with a comment on the nature of apologies.  Please note, I'm not taking either 
participant's side in this.  Each might consider offering the *LIST* an apology 
for the mean spirited display.

I personally don't recall whatever Charles must have said that so inflamed 
Jonathan, but the fact is, brother Jonathan, that no one can apologize for 
another if the other is capable.  Doing so is quite the *opposite* of actually 
apologizing, but is rather an expression of insincerity that reflects badly upon
the perpetrator.

An apology is only worthy of the name when it is offered by someone who knows 
that *s/he* has transgressed the boundaries of civilized conduct, and wishes the
the victim(s) to know that s/he *recognizes* that fact and sincerely REGRETS the
failure on his/her, the perpetrator's, part.  

Civilized, well-bred people offer apologies to maintain comity, and to preserve 
their *own* reputations as civilized persons by taking responsibility for one's 
own acts, and by showing that one is actually aware of the bounds of propriety 
and regrets violating them, whatever the provocation.

A proper apology 1) acknowledges misbehavior by the offeror, 2) specifies the 
misbehavior for which the apology is being offered, and 3) expresses remorse.  
If one absolutely believes that whatever spark that ignited one's own 
misbehavior was sufficiently egregious that one feels that the world should know
about it, then wehn mentioning that fact, one should publicly acknowledge that 
someone else's misconduct does not excuse one's own.

Saying "I'm sorry but he made me do it" is merely saying "this is all his 
fault."  My friends, this is an "accusation," quite different thing from an 
apology.  

I might add that a genuine apology always earns the offeror real respect, and is
the mark of a person of some fortutide.  The same cannot be said about an 
accusation disguised as an apology.

I should know, I've set some records here for misbehavior.  I've also apologized
here a time or two...  'Tain't fun, either...