Comparing Apples and rutabagas

[Unka Bart <mendicant@buddhist.com>]

Hi there fellow Q-heads,

Yer Kindly Ol' Unka Bart has been curious, wondering how (or, more to the
point, WHY) anyone could seriously debate the issue of BMW vs Audi.  I
mean, what am I missing here?

This ol' mendicant drives an Audi V8Q for the simple reason that he's
always wanted one, and he loves it!  It *pleases* him, but that doesn't
make him think that it will out-accelerate, out-brake, or out-run a BMW
(maybe a 318i, but let's keep this semi-serious here).  It gets me down the
road in comfort and style and it performs well enough to get me around most
of the mouth-breathers on the road whenever I feel the need or desire to.
Had I wanted a BMW, which is also capable of doing that, I would have
bought a BMW.  I don't, and I didn't.  How difficult is that?

If I wanted a Porsche 911, I would have bought one. (Oh, right, I did,
didn't I?  Never mind...)

No, actually, there is a related point in that last bit.  I simply cannot
tell you how much I enjoy that Porker!  It doesn't cloud my vision or my
judgement, however.  I realize that in almost every way one may measure
high-performance, a Corvette of similar vintage will outperform my
treasure.  Too bad, but there it is.  I would have bought a Corvette if I
had wanted a Corvette (and for that matter, there was a time when I did
choose a Corvette over a 911 because that's what I wanted then), I would
have bought a Corvette.  Again, I don't, and so I didn't.

I suspect we are here on the Quattro list because we *like* Audis, and we
*want* Audis, but here's a tip for anyone who is here simply because he or
she *believes* that Audis are somehow measurably superior in performance
(or otherwise) to (insert your choice of automobiliana here).  Seek help,
preferably from a therapist who specializes in dealing with disappointment.
This goes doubly for anyone who *buys* an Audi for that reason.

So what if they are middle of the pack, performance-wise?  The bottom of
the pack gives outstanding performance, so what does it matter if Audis are
in the middle? (But mercy, why don't they give us decent brakes or
headlights, but I digress here...)

And, prior to rushing out to tell us how Quattros rule on the race-track,
take a deep breath and then take a moment to apply a liberal coating of
Mother Fletcher's patented Anti-Foaming-About-the-Mouthparts Cream and
Knicker-De-knotter (or be prepared to pay the price in extreme discomfort
and dirty monitor-screens).  Quattros rulein competition when two factors
prevail, the quattro driver is superior to the competition or the quattro
has been highly modified (or both).

The reason to buy an Audi, Quattro or no, is because it rules in the heart!

By the way, Bob, Major congratulations!  I can't wait to get a drive in
that new S-6!!!

Yer kindly ol' Unka Bart