Equal Opportunity Discrimination (Sorry: long & no Audi content)

[quinn@hns.com]

OK, I know I'll probably get flamed for this, but it seemed
appropriate given recent threads (and anyway, I thought it
funny!)

-Mark Quinn

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
-----------------------------------
  1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
  2. You can spell colour wrong and get away with it.
  3. You can call Budweiser beer.
  4. You can be a crook and still be president.
  5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do
     anything.
  6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
  7. You get to be really obese.
  8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and
     nobody seems to care.
  9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
 10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.
 10a. When you're not.
 10b. At all.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
-----------------------------------
  1. It beats being an American (just).
  2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
     capital to the ground.
  3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
  4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
     capital to the ground.
  5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a
     canoe?
  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her
     popularity ratings will rise.
  7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
     capital to the ground.
  8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover
     your house in their skins.
  9. Own-an-eskimo scheme.
 10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its
     capital to the ground.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
----------------------------------
  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
  3. No need to worry about tax returns.
  4. Glorious military history prior to 400 a.d.
  5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
  6. Political stability.
  7. Flexible working hours.
  8. Live near the Pope.
  9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
 10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
----------------------------------
  1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
  2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
  3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
  4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
  5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real
     thing.
  6. Honesty.
  7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid,
     tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
  8. You get to eat bulls' testicles.
  9. Gibraltar.
 10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
---------------------------------
  1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
  2. Experienced the joy of winning the world cup for the first
     time after drugging the opposition.
  3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
  4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
  5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films
     on Cable.
  6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's
     countries.
  7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
  8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
     humiliating your sense of national pride.
  9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just crap in the
     street.
 10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :
---------------------------------
  1.
  2.
  3.
  4.
  5.
  6.
  7.
  8.
  9.
 10.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
----------------------------------
  1. Two World Wars and One World Cup doo-dah, doo-dah.
  2. Warm beer.
  3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
  4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting
     events.
  5. Union jack underpants.
  6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
  7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world
     power.
  8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not.
  9. Ditto changing underwear.
 10. Beats being Welsh.
 10a. Or Scottish.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
--------------------------------
  1. Guinness.
  2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
  3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's
     road.
  4. Pubs never close.
  5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in the second
     Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you
     can't have sex with a condom on.
  6. No one can ever remember the night before.
  7. Kill people you don't agree with.
  8. Stew.
  9. More Guinness.
 10. Eating stew and drinking guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in
     the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH:
-------------------------------
  1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
---------------------------------
  1. Chicken Madras.
  2. Lamb Passanda.
  3. Onion Bhaji.
  4. Bombay Potatoe.
  5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
  6. Rogan Josh.
  7. Popadoms.
  8. Chicken Dopiaza.
  9. Meat Boona.
 10. Kingfisher lager.


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN:
------------------------------------
  1. Know your great-grand-dad was murdering scum that no
     civilised nation on earth wanted.
  2. Fosters Lager (Aussies read VB).
  3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for
     40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
  4. Annihilate England every time you play them at cricket.
  5. Tact and sensitivity.
  6. Bondi Beach.
  7. Other beaches.
  8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
  9. Being the world champs at Aussie Rules football
 10. Very well mannered and cultured


TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SOUTH AFRICAN:
---------------------------------------
  1. Being able to win the world cup rugby the first time you
     enter the competition.
  2. Get to eat raw dried meat and call it a treat.
  3. Stable and politically safe economy.
  4. Thinking that Gays only live outside the country.
  5. Having a flag which looks more like Joseph's Technicolor
     dream coat
  6. Having 11 official languages and only being able to speak
     one
  7. Having an ex convict as your president.
  8. Having one of the most honest postal services in the world.
  9. Being able to charge tourists to visit areas of unrest
 10. You can drive drunk