I love the Onion

[Jenny Curtis <jenny@physics.spa.umn.edu>]

>From the onion:

The Onion AutoCorner Presents

Regular maintenance will make your automobile safer to drive and extend the life
of your vehicle, saving you money in the long run. Here are some tips to help
you keep your car in tip-top shape:

Oil is a non-renewable resource that's bad for the environment when wasted.
Drive your car until it is completely out before adding more.

Always drive with all four wheels.

Bungee-cord your front bumper to your neighbor's rear bumper to save on gas and
engine wear. Keep insisting it's a coincidence that you're going the same place.
If he or she asks where you are going next, say you haven't decided yet.

Use a high-pressure hose to periodically spray slippery, dangerous vomit off
floormats.

Find a mechanic who takes the time to change your car's velocity-extension belt
and Jupiter rings, which many mechanics often overlook.

To extend the life of your car battery, keep it in the refrigerator when not in
use.

In times of engine trouble, putting your fist through the dashboard probably
won't fix your car's malfunction, but it will let your car know how you feel.

To prevent skidding, place flower-shaped anti-skid stick-ons everywhere you will
be driving.

Good, responsive brakes are crucial. Be sure to clear out the heap of Egg
McMuffin wrappers from under your brake pedal so you can push it all the way
down to the floor.

Carry a blanket and a jug of water with you in case you ever need to have sex at
a wayside.

When changing your brake fluid, remember to dispose of any excess fluid
properly. It might be inconvenient, but there's no excuse for not drinking it
all.

Your car's tires should be rotated regularly, or the car will not go anywhere.

Be careful of radiator-fan blades, which are extremely sharp and spin at 5,000
rpm. Put your fingers in slowly and carefully, and pull your hand out at the
first sign of blue, or "arterial," blood.

When at the gas station, remember not to operate a cell phone near the pumps.
The full-service attendant might experience a fit of class-consciousness and
beat you to death with it.

Everyone knows women know nothing about cars. Get a man to help you.