isham research

Supplemental Commandments

Several people have tried to assert copyright over this. In fact, this version is adapted from a post to Usenet on 7 June 2000. If anyone has an earlier reference ...

• Thou shalt not compose limericks at a funeral.
• Thou shalt not teleport within sight of technologically-inferior species.
• Thou shalt not use the "X word".
• Thou shalt not add "Sent from my iPhone" to an email unless not using one.
• Thou shalt not brandish an Uzi while driving behind an old person.
• Thou shalt not say "groady".
• Thou shalt not fast-forward through the commercials.
• Thou shalt not teach a ferret to yodel.
• Thou shalt not have misplaced priorities.
• Thou shalt not align thyself with the dark side of the force.
• Thou shalt not freeze-frame to look up Jessica Rabbitt's dress.
• Thou shalt not buy stuff made in sweat shops unless it's really trendy and just to die for.
• Thou shalt not talk to Elvis at the dinner table.
• Thou shalt not drive old clothes to Goodwill in the Jag.
• Thou shalt not max out the plastic.
• Thou shalt not order anchovies on half the pizza.
• Thou shalt not practice bagpipes in an avalanche zone.
• Thou shalt not quote Virgil or Ovid to justify leasing a beamer
• Thou shalt not knowingly eat tofu.
• Thou shalt not Google from thy iPhone during the pub quiz
• Thou shalt not drink pasteurized beer.
• Thou shalt not allow thyself to become excited while discussing mutual funds.
• Thou shalt not whistle tunes from Cats while thy mother-in-law is having triple-bypass surgery.
• Thou shalt not claim that the cheque is in the mail.
• Thou shalt not develop innovative new uses for sheep - especially not involving Velcro.
• Thou shalt not give Spandex to anyone who sweats excessively.
• Thou shalt not put people on hold unless they appear to be salesmen.
• Thou shalt not honk off a rottweiller just for a rush.
• Thou shalt not convince stupid people to try cordless bungee jumping.
• Thou shalt not exhibit liberal tendencies.
• Thou shalt not ask if it fired six bullets or only five if the magazine holds nine.
• Thou shalt not microwave the cat.
• Thou shalt not substitute Semtex when all the Playdough's gone.
• Thou shalt not be perky.
• Thou shalt not forget to clean the filter in the gene pool.
• Thou shalt not deliberately buy the brands of tuna that include extra dolphin.
• Thou shalt not surf the net in thy underwear.
• Thou shalt not hum the theme from "Masterpiece Theater" during a monster truck pull.
• Thou shalt not make house flies atone for their crimes.
• Thou shalt not take pictures of women, delete them when demanded, and use Undelete later on thy smartphone.
• Thou shalt not put the seat back down.
• Thou shalt not juggle goldfish in the subway after midnight.
• Thou shalt not give the Kama Sutra as a "get well soon" gift after a vasectomy.
• Thou shalt not smoke in a space suit.
• Thou shalt not wear Velcro below the waist.
• Thou shalt not derive amusement from crazy glue.
• Thou shalt not tie-dye thy stock broker.
• Thou shalt not blame it on extraterrestrials.
• Thou shalt not cut thy toenails with a weed-whacker.
• Thou shalt not describe dead people as "metabolically challenged".
• Thou shalt not make offerings unto the false gods of perfect hair, increased lung capacity or 1% body fat.
• Thou shalt not suffer a poodle to live.
• Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's babe unless she's totally stacked.
• Thou shalt not bio-engineer close friends or family members.
• Thou shalt not administer an intelligence test to a public-sector employee and a sack of hammers in the same room.
• Thou shalt not feed red meat to a lawyer.
• Thou shalt not bob for hand grenades.
• Thou shalt not search for hidden messages in music played backward.
• Thou shalt not tune thy wrist-watch remote control to the air-conditioning in thy local pub.
• Thou shalt not snort NutraSweet.
• Thou shalt not attempt to ascertain the tensile strength of cows.
• Thou shalt not leave the lid half screwed on.
• Thou shalt not address a sock on your hand as "alfonse".
• Thou shalt not seek to rise above thy station in the food chain.
• Thou shalt not derive financial gain from road kill.
• Thou shalt not miss the birth of one of thy children to watch The Simpsons.
• Thou shalt not say "taupe", "platinum", "silver", "charcoal", "brushed aluminum", "pewter", "pearl" or "oyster shell" when you mean "gray".
• Thou shalt not employ cheese as a means of sexual arousal.
• Thou shalt not solicit government grants to conduct further research into the effects on polecats of turning them inside-out.
• Thou shalt not raise anthrax as a house pet.
• Thou shalt not shoot tourists just because it's tourist season.
• Thou shalt not order fast food in a heavy Russian accent.
• Thou shalt not pop a paper bag behind the incontinent.
• Thou shalt not fail to honour thy step-father or thy surrogate mother.
• Thou shalt not leave voice mail after midnight.
• Thou shalt not use thy remote control on an appliance in a shop window.
• Thou shalt not posses graven images of poker-playing dogs or singing fish.
• Thou shalt not wear a hat covered in fruit or dangling corks.
• Thou shalt not choose an apartment because of its proximity to the mall.
• Thou shalt not consume diet milkshakes in flavours of "haggis", "lemming" or "wild strumpet".
• Thou shalt not pretend to be able to dance to rap.
• Thou shalt not buy condoms bearing the Good Housekeeping seal of Approval.
• Thou shalt not stalk the wily groundhog with a Stinger missile.
• Thou shalt not eat Fritos in a tanning bubble.
• Thou shalt not wear souvenir Disney World boxer shorts.
• Thou shalt not try to get even with a video lottery terminal.
• Thou shalt not colourize.
• Thou shalt not enter any dungeon guarded by a dragon.
• Thou shalt not paint neon-green heartbeat stripes on a Humvee.
• Thou shalt not experiment with sword-swallowing as a cure for persistent hiccups.
• Thou shalt not own a recreational bug zapper.
• Thou shalt not give hand-crafted radioisotopes as a house-warming present.
• Thou shalt not consider thyself to be on a first-name basis with a chain saw.
• Thou shalt not walk barefoot in packing peanuts.
• Thou shalt not call 911 to report an unexpected surge in the earthworm population.
• Thou shalt not snore in 6/8 time.
• Thou shalt not take a Rodenator to a Test Match,
• Thou shalt not fix the dishwasher with an eight-pound hammer and a glue gun.
• Thou shalt not buy a used car from anyone named "Stig."
• Thou shalt not attempt to predict the outcome of a cockroach race by calculations based on the circumference of the great pyramid of Cheops.
• Thou shalt not pray to Zeus for things thy usual god would laugh at.
• Thou shalt not permit fuzzy purple mutants to spawn in thy fridge.
• Thou shalt not wear nipple rings that clash with thy nose pin.
• Thou shalt not camp out in line overnight for the opening of a new Wal-Mart.
• Thou shalt not try to sneak a six-letter carnal reference past the personalized license plate people.
• Thou shalt not wear any sort of baseball cap that uses batteries.
• Thou shalt not measure thy Visa balance on the Richter scale.
• Thou shalt not put ice-nine in the Slushy machine.
• Thou shalt not drink a diet Pepsi and eat a Three Musketeers bar on the assumption that they'll cancel each other out.

• Thou shalt not do it with a goat.
• Thou shalt not do it in a boat.
• Thou shalt not do it with thine ass,
• Much less thy neighbor's, saucy lass!
• Thou shalt not do it with an elf.
• Thou shalt not do it by thyself.
• Thou shalt not do it in a flood.
• Thou shalt not do it if there's blood.
• Thou shalt not do it if thee match.
• (Don't thou know what thou couldst catch?)
• Thou shalt not do it with thy mother.
• But thou can with brother's brother.
• Thou shalt not do it with thy dad.
• Unless he's sloppy drunk or mad.
• Thou shalt not do it here or there.
• Thou shalt not do it anywhere!

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