isham research

Real programmers ...

• Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They live on Twinkies, Classic Coke, palate-scorching Szechwan food and real ale. And anything Joe's Pizza House will deliver in the middle of the night.
• Don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.
• Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for what they get. They are lucky to get anything at all.
• Don't write comments. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Stops morons messing with it. If a real programmer writes comments, it's usually to conceal an acrostic insult to his boss in the first character of each line. The really talented guys build acrostics out of the last letter of each opcode. If the code doesn't make sense, check to see if it's ever executed - at one time programmers were paid by the line and habits die hard.
• Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are pictures. Anyone with an IQ higher than the temperature of a warm room stopped talking to the world in pictures at the age of three. Look how much good it did Van Gogh.
• Don't write documentation. Managers employing real programmers should carefully gather up every discarded sheet of paper at the end of each working day - the heiroglyphs written on the backs using a 2B propelling pencil (preferably a 0.7mm Pentel PG307 - although a 0.5mm Faber-Castell TK-matic will do) are the nearest thing they'll ever get to documentation. Just file them by date. If their favourite propelling pencil is ever mislaid, a real programmer will sulk until it is found.
• Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
• Don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy application programmers.
• Don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
• Don't use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between COBOL and FORTRAN.
• Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after their first sexual encounter. So if they're still using BASIC, they're virgins. If they're using Visual BASIC, the chances are they haven't even found their own private parts - see if you can buy them a book.
• Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line and the programming office doesn't have a single APL keyboard.
• Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.
• Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA, Java or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
• Don't use SAS, unless it's an illegal copy on a PC with the date set back a decade so the SETINITT still works.
• Don't work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 09:00, it's because they were there all night. And they'll be hungry. They like pepperoni pizzas, with extra peppers.
• Don't play any sport that requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
• Don't watch sport, except women's beach volleyball and perhaps some versions of women's mud-wrestling.
• Don't use structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
• Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.
• Don't like managers. Managers are a necessary evil to insulate them from the company. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives. And doing it quietly.
• Don't use floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to "think big".
• Don't drive SUVs. They prefer Audi quattros, BMWs, Lincolns or anything with a floor shift. Slushboxes are despised. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded. If it has two wheels, it will be washed every day. If it has four wheels, it will never be washed.
• Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules - if the application is worth writing, the need will still be there when it's done.
• Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate of popping.
• Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.
• Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If Joe's Pizza House sells it, they eat it. If Joe's Pizza House doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. And if it sings, they certainly won't eat it.

Joe's Pizza House doesn't sell quiche.

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