isham research

Trolling for Taillights (and related Effluvia)

Draft 3.0 (05/25/92)

Introduction

Trolling For Taillights (TFT) is becoming one of America's fastest growing highway participatory sports. It is loads of fun, requires only modest equipment and achieves justice on the highway. And it is Good Clean FunÔ at least until the target has to clean his drawers.

TFT refers, of course, to the sport of communicating to other drivers by stimulating their radar detectors and observing and recording their responses. Only simple radio equipment is needed: an old microwave burglar alarm will do fine. More sophisticated equipment such as a Kustom KR-11 Instant On Moving Police Radar will yield better and more consistent results. Nontheless $10 worth of Gunn Oscillator will achieve quite adequate scores if the proper skills are practiced.

How it Works:

Think of RADAR as a Tractor Beam. It's a vector-subtraction ray, a negative speed insertion device: If the target is ahead, it sucks them back toward you; if they're behind, it pushes them away. One can also think of it as a high-tech version of the American Indian game of counting coup. In short, think of it as evolution in action, as in Road Warrior.

Safety First:

Because the target of your trolling may react erratically, certain basic safety rules are necessary.

• No trolling of vehicles with less than two car lengths of clearance behind and in the lane to either side (if applicable.) This allows for an Unintended Deceleration Transient (UDT.)
• No trolling of Texas Cadillacs (pickemup trucks.) with large dogs standing on the toolbox. The dog might not like it.
• A minimum of 1/10 mile clearance between you and the target is required if the target is placarded with any of the following:

Special Awards:

It is desirable to recognize outstanding fishermen in our ranks. Accordingly the following special award catagories are established:

If you think you qualify, contact the management for your award. Video tape is highly recommended for scoring purposes and for documenting when the cop mistakes your head for a baby Harp Seal.

Rules of Engagement:

Trolling posture

Proper trolling posture is in the right or next to right lane with the Radar at the ready but out of sight and de-energized. Speed should be at or slightly below the speed limit.

Eligible Targets

An eligible target is any vehicle that meets the above safety specifications and has a radar detector.

Target Selection

A target proceeding at greater than 20 mph over the posted speed limit is the most fertile in terms of variety of actions and presents the best odds of winning Adders and Multipliers.

Firing techniques

Forward - Wait until the target is a few car lengths in front of you and fire phasers. Best results are achieved if the Radar is bounced off a sign or overpass ahead of both you and the target. It is best to confine your range to that where you know your Radar will cause the target's detector to go full scale.

Rear - Generally confined to eliminating Rear Bumper Dwellers because of the difficulty in scoring, the best technique is known as the Annie Oakley style. Simply lay the Radar across your shoulder and fire. Since you are achieving line of sight contact with his detector, the results are spectacular. The Tractor beam in action.

Setting up for Subsequent Shots:

If you have a target that appears to be fertile for a repeat multiplier, the best technique is to wait a minute or two and then pass the target. This encourages the target to resume trolling speed again. Lead the target for awhile to build his confidence and then lift the throttle and coast. Allow the target to pass you again and when you achieve minimum clearance, fire again. Repeat Phasors coupled with the vague recollection in the target's mine that you just slowed way down will generally lead to spectacular trolling. This technique can be use up to about 5 times (10 on yuppys and lawyers) on a given target before he figures something's up. About the 4th or 5th shot is the optimum time to set the target up for a nuke (see definition below.) The use of an intergalactic communicator (CB) is vitally handy for assessing the conditions favorable for nuking.

Special Techniques and Definitions:

These techniques have been found to produce better scores than shooting for lone targets.

Nerd Herding: If you spot multiple cars equipped with radar detector, you can herd them into a cluster by zapping them each time one tries to pass another.

Wolf Pack: Played by two or more cars in convoy, communicating on an obscure non-CB frequency: Wingman trails leader by about 1/2 mile, spots targets and gives early warning to leader. Leader fires rearward, hitting the marks with a strong head-on signal. Wingman confirms hits. Leader and wingman try to see how many marks they can herd between them.

Fast Lane Bandit Blasting: This dual purpose technique yields good scores and frequently busts up Fast Lane Bandit clumps. This is the one instance where clearance rules are relaxed. This is used when the trolling vehicle is stuck behind a bunch of left-lane-bandits proceeding side by side with geriatrics (real or premature) in the overtaking lanes. If there are more than 3 or 4 cars in the clump, odds are one vehicle will have a radar detector and will be driven by a target who will respond to the troll even when going below the speed limit. Also known as the Paranoid Factor. Technique is to lift throttle (to give you some room) and firing into the crowd. The inherent entropy introduced by the tractor beam will tend to scatter the cars so that you can find a way through the mess. You bust a fast lane bandit and score at the same time. Also known as "Bumper Cars."

Yuppy Puppy: Canine Critters, generally of a large/exotic/expensive breed and always an utterly stupid, undisciplined monster.

Yuppy Larvae: Similar to Yuppy Puppy except of human origin. Generally the result of her taking something seriously he poked at her in fun. Also known, depending on context and age, as "accident", Yard Ape, Busted Condom, Curtain Climber or Precious. Personality characteristics are almost identical to the Yuppy Puppy except that the Larvae is louder and is generally allowed in restaurants and movie theaters where they do maximum damage.

Scoring:

Scoring is done in accordance with the following table. This table recognizes the added value of multiple hits on a given target and on the difficulty inherent in getting multiple responses from one hit.

The easiest way to score is to get one of those handheld counting "clickers" as used by the gate keepers at sports venues to count fans. This is a chrome golf-ball sized orb that contains a mechanical counter and a pushbutton that increments the count. Available from your local office supply store for a nominal price. Scores can be kept in a log book for submittal to the management. Winners will be recognized accordingly.

Basic scoring: What the target does: Select all that apply and add.

Home