[V8] Tool story

[Tony and Lillie]

Dave, that had me laughing harder than I had in years!!!

My fav was the floor jack, second is the engine hoist. BTDT too many times!!

Thanks,
Tony


----- Original Message ----- 
From: "D Morralee" <superdaveski at hotmail.com>
Subject: Re: [V8] Tool story


>
> sorry I have to through in this I got yesterday as we are talking about 
> tools Superdave　
>
>
> DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat 
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and 
> flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project 
> which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under 
> the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and 
> hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 
> 'Oh sh--!'
> SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of 
> blood-blisters.
> BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor 
> touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board 
> principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable 
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal 
> your future becomes.
> VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt 
> heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer 
> intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable 
> objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside 
> the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
> TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood 
> projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after 
> you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly 
> under the bumper.
> BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut 
> good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the 
> trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside 
> edge.
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of 
> all the things you forgot to disconnect.
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or 
> for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your 
> shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips 
> screw heads.
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to 
> convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering 
> your palms.
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket 
> you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is 
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent 
> to the object we are trying to hit.
> UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard 
> cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents 
> such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector 
> magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful 
> for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab 
> and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of 
> your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.