"Hang Up and Drive!" or "Ouch..Your Head!"

[Paul_Royal@idx.com]

Treatise:

"Rear bumper testing of the 1990 Audi 90Q20v sedan and it's effects on the
noggin of cellular phone users"

Conditions: Heavy commuter traffic northbound on Route 1 10 miles out of
Boston, "damp road"
Required Equipment: (1) older silver Toyota Crapola with cell phone, (1)
1990 Audi 90Q20v Sedan

Set up:  While one driver strapped into a 4 point harness drives
northbound, have another driver (Jim Shuliew of No. Andover, Ma. Lic.#
031-46985 if available) drive the Toyota in the same direction behind the
Audi.  When traffic stops the driver of the Audi should apply the brakes
until the car comes to a complete stop and cannot move farther forward due
to the traffic in front of Audi.  At almost exactly the same time, the
driver of the Toyota (Jim Shuliew of No. Andover, Ma. Lic.# 031-46985 if
available) should be on the phone to his wife and drop the phone on the
floor of the Toyota.  The driver of the Toyota (Jim Shuliew of No. Andover,
Ma. Lic.# 031-46985 if available) should bend down to pick up the phone at
precisely the same time that (A) The driver of the Audi is at a dead stop;
and (B) The driver of the Toyota (Jim Shuliew of No. Andover, Ma. Lic.#
031-46985 if available) should be applying the brake.  If all goes well at
this point the driver of the Audi can look in the rearview mirror
(helplessly stopped in traffic) and see two things (1) A Toyota hitting the
rear bumper of the Audi; and (2) The head of the driver of the Toyota
(HOPEFULLY THE HEAD OF: Jim Shuliew of No. Andover, Ma. Lic.# 031-46985 if
available) bouncing off of the dashboard of the Toyota.

Result:  Amazingly, there should be no damage to the Audi or the Toyota.
Papers should be exchanged and the following conversation should take
place:

Audi Owner:  I saw you coming but I had nowhere to go; what the hell were
you doing with your head on the floor?
Toyo Owner:  I'm really sorry, I was in a hurry, and I was on the phone to
my wife and I dropped the phone, I'm really sorry.
Audi Owner: You weren't wearing your seatbelt, were you?
Toyo Owner: No, I forgot to put it on.  My head is going to hurt tonight
(lift hair over forehead to display bump on noggin to Audi
                           driver, shake your head in disbelief over your
own stupidity, and say you're sorry again)
Audi Owner: (Note Organ Donor sticker on Toyo driver's license and say in a
father knows best tone) You know, it's nice to see
          you're an organ donor, but you're going to speed up the process
if you don't start wearing your seatbelt.
Toyo Owner: I know, I'm sorry.

"Exchange other pleasantries"

When everything appears to be settled and you are fairly satisfied that the
only damage is to Jim's already soft head, continue:
Audi Owner:  "Jim, you seem like a nice guy, let me give you a little
advice; Next time you get in an accident, don't tell the other guy that
     you're sorry 50 times."
Toyo Owner: "But I am"
Audi Owner: "That's all well and good and I appreciate that, but don't say
it out loud."
Toyo Owner: "I'm sorry"
Audi Owner: "I'll call you, until then; Hang up and drive, will ya?"

Paul "just another day commuting to Boston" Royal