advice for american travellers going to britain (humour)

[Eaton Dave <dave.eaton@minedu.govt.nz>]

sorry folks but it's friday (some offensive
language).........................
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Advice for Travellers Going to Britain

Vocabulary
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called
"tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
"great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold
hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people
of the same sex. 

Habits
Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain
that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.

Food
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
(BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you
are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should
order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky
hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88
for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show
a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you. 

Transportation
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free
on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in
the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.
The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your
hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed
by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation. 

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
airport, announce that you and your fellow tossers are members of Shin
Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands
for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will
assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs;
otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to
ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it
will expedite things on your return trip. As an extra matter of
courtesy, they may even show you into a private, secluded room, where
you can have a wank before continuing your journey.  While you are
waiting, you might want to ask the customs tosser (this sort of cordial
familiarity is encouraged), where you might find a eating establishment
which serves BSE-certified food.

Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")