RE: advice for american travellers going to britain (humour)

["Browning David (TVCS)" <BrowningD@tce.com>]

I believe Wellies (Wellingtons) are goulashes or rubber rain boots.  I
wouldn't want to wear rubber underwear.  :-)

(Everyone needs to watch more British shows on PBS.)

dB

> -----Original Message-----
> From:	Eaton Dave [SMTP:dave.eaton@minedu.govt.nz]
> Sent:	Thursday, September 17, 1998 10:27 PM
> To:	'quattro@coimbra.ans.net'
> Subject:	advice for american travellers going to britain (humour)
> 
> sorry folks but it's friday (some offensive
> language).........................
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------
> 
> Advice for Travellers Going to Britain
> 
> Vocabulary
> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
> the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
> what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
> American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called
> "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
> "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
> demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold
> hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
> Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people
> of the same sex. 
> 
> Habits
> Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
> customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
> siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
> practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
> clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
> Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain
> that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.
> 
> Food
> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
> the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
> week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
> afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
> grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
> of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
> (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
> beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
> custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
> rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you
> are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
> restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should
> order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky
> hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88
> for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show
> a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
> dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
> restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you. 
> 
> Transportation
> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
> most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
> Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free
> on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
> escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
> state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
> Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in
> the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
> century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.
> The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your
> hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed
> by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
> otherwise excellent means of transportation. 
> 
> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
> airport, announce that you and your fellow tossers are members of Shin
> Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands
> for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will
> assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs;
> otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to
> ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it
> will expedite things on your return trip. As an extra matter of
> courtesy, they may even show you into a private, secluded room, where
> you can have a wank before continuing your journey.  While you are
> waiting, you might want to ask the customs tosser (this sort of cordial
> familiarity is encouraged), where you might find a eating establishment
> which serves BSE-certified food.
> 
> Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family") 
>