Re: advice for american travellers going to britain (humour)

["John C." <gtr1@traverse.com>]

Either Dave was REALLY trying to be humorous, or he is completely out of
touch with the Little Island, or both.  My recollection of a "quid" was that
it was slang for the old Pound, which was equivalent to 20 shillings.  This
was before New Pence
-----Original Message-----
From: Browning David (TVCS) <BrowningD@tce.com>
To: 'quattro@coimbra.ans.net' <quattro@coimbra.ans.net>
Date: Friday, September 18, 1998 10:04 AM
Subject: RE: advice for american travellers going to britain (humour)


>I believe Wellies (Wellingtons) are goulashes or rubber rain boots.  I
>wouldn't want to wear rubber underwear.  :-)
>
>(Everyone needs to watch more British shows on PBS.)
>
>dB
>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: Eaton Dave [SMTP:dave.eaton@minedu.govt.nz]
>> Sent: Thursday, September 17, 1998 10:27 PM
>> To: 'quattro@coimbra.ans.net'
>> Subject: advice for american travellers going to britain (humour)
>>
>> sorry folks but it's friday (some offensive
>> language).........................
>> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>> --------------------------
>>
>> Advice for Travellers Going to Britain
>>
>> Vocabulary
>> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
>> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
>> the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
>> what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
>> American. Underpants are called "wellies" and friends are called
>> "tossers." If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a
>> "great tosser" -- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously
>> demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold
>> hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
>> Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people
>> of the same sex.
>>
>> Habits
>> Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
>> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
>> customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
>> siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
>> practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
>> clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
>> Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain
>> that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.
>>
>> Food
>> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
>> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
>> the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
>> week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
>> afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
>> grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
>> of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
>> (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
>> beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
>> custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while
>> rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you
>> are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
>> restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should
>> order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky
>> hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88
>> for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show
>> a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to
>> dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the
>> restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
>>
>> Transportation
>> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
>> most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
>> Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free
>> on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
>> escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
>> state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware!
>> Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large Gappe bats that roost in
>> the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
>> century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.
>> The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your
>> hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed
>> by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
>> otherwise excellent means of transportation.
>>
>> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow
>> airport, announce that you and your fellow tossers are members of Shin
>> Fane (an international Jewish peace organization -- the "shin" stands
>> for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will
>> assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs;
>> otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to
>> ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it
>> will expedite things on your return trip. As an extra matter of
>> courtesy, they may even show you into a private, secluded room, where
>> you can have a wank before continuing your journey.  While you are
>> waiting, you might want to ask the customs tosser (this sort of cordial
>> familiarity is encouraged), where you might find a eating establishment
>> which serves BSE-certified food.
>>
>> Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")
>>
>