Re: advice for american travellers going to britain (humour)

[Richard Beels <beels@technologist.com>]

Both or at least humorous.  Ah, two people separated by a common
language.... <g>

>  >> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
>  >> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
male-only bits

>  >> the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for
>  >> what was once called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents
>  >> American. 
Again, inflation joke.

> Underpants are called "wellies" 
Galoshes, rubbers (no not those)

>and friends are called "tossers." 
same as wankers (one of my faves here in the US).  Think of our President
above a sink after Monica is leaving un(ful)filled and you'll get the idea.
 Comes with a descriptive hand signal too  <g>

>>>If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser"
-- he will be touched. 
Actually, tosser is a term good friends use with each other.  Sort of like
us Americans telling somebody "You one bad Mother Flocker."  They also call
each other wankers, plonkers (plonker = penis and when someone is making
fun of you they're pulling your plonker pr taking the piss)

>  >>The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if
you want to fit in you should hold
>  >> hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street.
>  >> Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people
>  >> of the same sex.
Surprised you didn't throw anything in here about a fag (cigarette) or
being fagged out (tired, exhausted).  Or to keep it with a car theme, throw
in an ambiguity about fenders being bumpers and that in England we call
them Bumper Benders too. <g> (Bender = Fag (American))

>  >> Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
>  >> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
>  >> customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour
>  >> siesta , which they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new
>  >> practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm
>  >> clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from
>  >> Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain
>  >> that you were having a wank -- everyone will understand and forgive you.
See above.

>  >> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
>  >> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
>  >> the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
>  >> week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
>  >> afternoon wank for). 
Oh huh... <g>

>  >> Few foreigners are aware that there are several
>  >> grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
>  >> of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
>  >> (BSE). 
Bovine Spongioform Encepelophy - Mad Cow Disease.  Brits, of course, spell
it more like Enceapholophy - just like they misspell Aluminum.

>  >> restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. 
Riiiight.   Reminds me of the joke about the pairings of countries and jobs
for the new EU: Brit, French, Italian and German; Engineer, Lover, Cook and
<what?>. Everyone wants a French cook, Italian lover, German Engineer and
British <what?>.  But what the EU will end up will be a Italian engineer, a
German lover, a French <what?> and a British cook.  
Brits do make Cadbury (even if it isn't Belgian chocolate, it's good),
Digestive Biscuits <chew on that one for a while<g>> and Bacons that
actually contain meat, good Beers (bitter); Shandys (Lemonade (lemon
flavored soda, e.g. Sprite) and Lager - ahh.......; and who the hell came
up with salad cream anyways????  It doesn't make up for clotted pudding
(some really weird thing with just-born calves placenta which is different
than clotted cream - looks like yellow cottage-cheese-y cream - yum yum
yum) or the colloquilly names sheppard's pie (where if you as what's in it,
you won't eat it) or black pudding or a Chip Butty (think french fry
sandwich with vinegar and ketchup AND butter - yum?) or Faggots (meatballs
with a skin (intestine)) or Haggis (offal and granis, stuffed into a
sheep's gut- super yummy yum yum yum); Spotted Dick (Fruity Fatty Pudding)
but all desserts are puddings in England....  Just don't ask for an English
Muffin.... <g>  Or a pickle...

Enough, I'm gogin to lunch.

>  >> Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")
Aye, me mum, she's the dog's bollocks. But when she's bollocked...


Cheers,
	Richard
	88 90Q - <insert pithy witticism here>
	88 Golf GTi - PRO Rally